Armani Sheer Lipstick review

Today we are discussing Giorgio Armani Sheer Lipstick. Because that’s how we roll. Yes, we do have jobs actually. Shut up.

E: I tell you what’s weird.

M: What?

E: Mr Armani. I mean, he looks like the exhumed remains of Ramses II, but he absolutely rocks at cosmetics. Not only that, but Mr Ramses Armani has no lips, yet his sheer lipstick is awesomeness in an ergonomic tube. I mean, props to him for his contribution to human happiness, but what the fuck is that about?

M: I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have any skin either. He’s 100% lizard, like in V.

E: What is V? Should I know?

M: You know, the TV program. Lizards from space. They eat mice.

E: I have never heard of it.

M: What kind of 80s did you grow up in?

E: The boring kind. My memory was dulled by muesli malnutrition, probably. Mr Ramses Armani is like a brown, brown, lipless space lizard.

M: Yes, but Italian. Can we get back to lipstick?

E: Yeah, so. Armani lipstick is good because it is not actually lipstick.

M: What is it?

E: It’s lipstick for wimps. People who are scared of lipsticks.

M: That’s a condition?

E: Yes. Because I have this Chanel lipstick and it scares me. You put it on, and look at yourself and suddenly it’s all CLOWN MOUTH! OMFG I AM WEARING LIPSTICK.

M: Yes. And you have to blot it and constantly check it isn’t on your teeth.

E: And it leaches all the moisture out of your lips, leaving you with your lips sloughing off like a reptile.

M: Always back to the reptiles. You know what else is nice about it?

E: What?

M: The click when you close the lid. And the soft, ergonomic shape. It’s like one of those space chairs in lipstick form. It’s SPACE LIPSTICK.

E: Hmm. I think the click could be more clicky. Because when I have mine in my handbag the lid comes off, and the tube fills with sand and biscuit crumbs and spoons and more sand.

M: That doesn’t happen to most people.

E: No?

M: No. They keep it in a tiny shiny clutch, with maybe a black Amex card and a button to call their bodyguard.

E: No shortbread fingers?

M: Are shortbread fingers Armani? NO.

E: I suppose not. Which colour do you have?

M: I don’t know. It makes your lips all berry and shiny and hydrated. And I can apply it blindfolded without looking like I’ve just snogged a lamp post. What do you have?

E: 5. And sometimes 21. They are browny reddish and discreet and do not frighten horses. I am very fond of horses and would not like to frighten them. The Chanel lipstick would definitely frighten horses. Probably men too, but I never meet any of those.

M: Ha, look at their website!
The colours are spectacularly inaccurate. And I was right. The model is definitely from space.

E: There’s something veerrrry creepy about the way she has a black band across her mouth before you choose her lipstick colour. Also, if you choose 9, it gives her blue lips, like she’s in chronic heart failure.

M: Yeah, it’s terrifying.

E: Yours must be 8 I think, but it seems to suggest you are Malibu Barbie.

M: Malibu Barbie is totally Mr Armani’s mistress.

Actually, it's no. 6

E: What do you think they are made of? Truffle oil?

M: Truffle oil and liquefied oyster for the silkiness.

E: And hmmm. Papal vestments?

M: Definitely.

E: 20% white truffle oil from Mr Armani’s space orchard, 30% the silky insides of oyster shells, 25% papal robes and 25% magical space particles.

M: Hmmm. I think we have established that Mr Armani is a mummified space lizard, but what I don’t understand is why he has come to earth to offer us his cosmetics. Is there some kind of nefarious plan behind it?

E: I expect it’s a way to get our DNA isn’t it?

M: That’s all they ever want. Our fucking DNA.

E: Oh god. He’s in league with Estée Lauder isn’t he? DNA superthieves.

M: Yes. Like Stargate.

E: I have never seen Stargate.

M: They are all Egyptian gods. But IN SPACE. And they have worms coming out of their stomachs.

E: Eeew. I am surprised Mr Armani would stand for stomach worms. That isn’t aesthetic at all. Wouldn’t they spoil the line of his regulation navy blue t-shirt?

M: Look, like this:

E: That reminds me of Céline from the Armani counter at Printemps Beauté in Paris.

M: Oh yes. Céline has a tail. It keeps the Armani counter floor nice and shiny.

E: Does she keep it in her regulation black nylon slacks?

M: Yup. She tucks it in there when it’s not needed.

E: So, in conclusion, Armani sheer lip colour. It’s basically DNA theft by a space lizard, but we’re ok with that, because it’s nice and sheer, good wearable colours and doesn’t frighten large mammals. Right?

M: Why not.

Mr Armani does not want you to know how much his sheer lip colour costs, but it’s available from Jenners and Selfridges.

M wears no. 6
E wears nos 5 and 21

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M likes bright powders in tiny pots and anything that will make her hair more Jen Brill and less Shaun the Sheep.

7 Comments

  • March 11, 2010

    Alex

    What a fab idea. When you girls are rich and famous, can I have a job as an under assistant assistants assistant?

    Are you not a little afraid of wearing a space lizard’s DNA? A slight frisson is good, but body invasion terror? Yikes! Tiny pulses transmit orders straight through your lips and on to grey matter (hopefully not your teeth). It may already be too late.

    So, how to continue wearing le sheer without risking the world being overrun by reptiles (not entirely sure it hasn’t already happened)?
    You almost certainly need to work on the little muscles that surround your mouth to protect, maintain and youthenise. Any residual problems; spiritual, material or health, would be solved by chanting my secret mantra. But I don’t feel inclined to share.

    One and twoness blessings to you both.

  • March 12, 2010

    Lisa-Marie

    I was all about this lipstick, until you said i couldn’t have shortbread fingers in my bag. That’s a dealbreaker.

    p.s Emma, I haven’t forgotten that I owe you some shortbread, I’ll make it next week when I don’t have the lurgy. Shortbread being lurgyfied would be horrible.

  • March 13, 2010

    Alison Cross

    Look, ladies – I’m sitting at this computer, ostensibly WORKING and I keep snorting out loud and having to pretend that I’m coughing. My mother (visiting) has been through to the office (aka front bedroom) to see if I’ve choked on my chocolate hobnobs.

    You are managing to instill in me a desire for rather lovely make up. Given that my local supplier provides nothing but Barry M and Rimmel, I could be in for a fraught relationship with this blog :-D

    Ali x

  • […] I think this is an extension of my Lip Colour Anxiety Disorder. I mean, I do agree with our guest tester, that it makes your lips look nice. Even my cracked, […]

  • March 28, 2010

    No7 makeover

    […] They have a nice sheer lipstick I think you would like. It’s not as smooth or glidy as Armani, but for £9.50 I think it’s a bargain. Creamy but […]

  • […] foundation, I wanted to mention Face Fabric. Face Fabric, the brainchild, or possibly facechild, of supernatural reptile cosmetics god, Mr Armani. Now, I should preface this by saying that I am basically in thrall to Laura Mercier […]

  • January 6, 2011

    Marisol

    I’m a lipstick pussy, definitely. My Chanel Rouge SCARES the shizzz out of me. I look like a crazy grandma, crazy Triple Rocket eating grandma… eeeww gross!! But i’m convinced nevertheless, that Armani Sheer Lipsticks in shades 30 and 33 have more magical space particles than the rest, you might want to try it. Oh, and E, clean out your bag!!! That is NOT normal!!

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