Clarins UV Plus Protective day screen review
E: Good morning M. There is something strange happening in the skies of Belgeland. A fiery orb has been sighted. We do not know what it means, but we are very afraid.
M: I don’t think we have one of those in Scotchland. What colour is it?
E: Sort of grey, actually. But with a tiny streak of yellow. And even the tiny streak of yellow is enough to BURN my celtic papery skin to dark red farmer-ness. BURN BURN BURN.
Unless I do something, soon my neck will be burny red, I will be taking an interest in motor sports and arable subsidies, and my face will be covered in freckles like something from the Dukes of Hazard. Hazzard? Whatevs.
M Whatevs. I feel I should say something about pixies, and sandpaper, and maybe acid.
E: Why do you need to talk about pixies and sandpaper and acid?
M: That’s what it feels like, when it burns.
E: Oh yes. I never get enough actual sun to get to that stage. I just go red and blotchy around the collarbones after 2 minutes exposure to the grey orb with a tiny yellow streak.
M: Something I only discovered after 5 long winters of living in Scotchland, when my skin started to transform into FREAKY PALE(R) SKIN THAT DOESN’T TAN QUITE SO EASILY
E: Oh holy fuck. Your skin is going native!
M: Yes! Soon it will be drinking buckies and eating chips with “sauce”. Mind you, it already looks like it drinks buckies and eats chips with “sauce”, but we can save that for another post.
E: Soon you will be craving cans of Irn Bru and having the life expectancy of a man in Sudan.
M: Ha! A man in Sudan would outlive me. And his skin would not burn.
E: I hadn’t thought of that. Very true. He would not need the topic of today’s post.
M: Which is what? How DO you protect yourself from this fiery orb?
E: Duh. Sunscreen. Face sunscreen. Face and collarbone sunscreen.
M: Mmm, sunscreen.
E: Obviously, I pretty much hate sunscreen, because it’s a bit like moisturiser but even more annoying, what with the crappy smell, the whiteness, the general smeariness.
M: The stickiness.
E: Yes. But. A couple of years ago I found a sunscreen I do not hate.
M: This cannot be true.
E: True. Totally totally true. In fact, I positively like it. It is in a small enough tube to put in your handbag. The tube does not misbehave and leak. It smells nice. It is very liquid and sinks straight into your skin on application.
M: Does it give you the dreaded sweaty spots of death?
E: Nope. Not a single sweaty spot of death.
M: Is it a stupidly low SPF? Like, SPF 2. Which is a bit like sticking your face in an oven.
E: No! It is SPF 40. Though I do not actually believe it can be SPF 40. it is TOO EASY. TOO TOO EASY. It is probably made from, hmmm, milk.
M: GIMME. Human milk. The human milk of embryo stem cells.
E: You know how I like stem cells. They are my weakness. Stem cells, bowls, gin, Cadbury’s Caramels, Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Ok, I have lots of weaknesses.
M: OK, E, shut up and spill the beans. Because I need this sunscreen. Soon I will be visiting my mother, and it’s 46 degrees there and won’t rain for 6 months.
E: It is Clarins UV Plus. And I really really rate it.
M: Do you put it on top of your normal cream, or instead of?
E: Oh, instead. My skin is already alarmed at getting one cream in the morning. I am a lazy asshole remember. However, because it is light and not difficult to use, I slap some on top when I go out at lunchtime into the pale belgo-sunlight to prevent FRYING and turning into a farmer called Jean-Yves.
So. The Clarins stuff is magic. I find it hard to believe it is proper SPF 40 due to its very liquid texture and ability to sink into your skin rather than sit around like a greasy, nagging irritation. But hey, I figure rather possibly fictitious sunscreen than nothing at all.
I got a bit distracted on the Clarins website and saw that they have a weekly Sensory Test Panel. I love the sound of that. I want to be on the Sensory Test Panel. I imagine they are all blindfolded and rubbing each other with cream, like something from a French arthouse film.
M: Kinky.
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*wails* this blog is going to cost me a fortune in sheeny lippy and sun cream. Admittedly in Scotland, one is more in need of waterproofing than sun cream. Still, a wee nice thing to have on the bathroom shelf *goes off shopping online*
Ali x
God! Why does everything on this blog cost about thirty quid?
Before Face Goop, I was perfectly happy with, say, generic supermarket bubble bath costing ninepence a gallon. Now I can feel that I am, inexorably, going to purchase a bottle of this Elemis stuff. Did you know they have it at Amazon? Maybe you should have one of those buttons.
I draw the line at twenty-eight quid for sun cream, though. Honestly.
Love,
Jean-Yves
This site is causing me serious product envy. Only avoiding spending crazy amounts in Inno today by extremely odd male beauty consultant who scared me so much I ran away with just two things I actually needed and didn’t even go back to him after paying as instructed to get my free samples (why do they always make you work so hard in Belgium?). Will find somewhere else to pick up the non spot forming sun cream. Can I claim my money back if it’s not as good as you said?
Erm. Nellig, désoléé, Jean Yves,
Because I am a spendthrift moron who spends all her disposable income on snake oil? And the only kinds I like are the pretty, luxurious, too expensive kind? Yeah, I think that’s it.
Mee – I introduced M to “Paris XL” when she came to visit me. It made her cry.
*pout* have now seriously fallen out with Nellig – i managed to assure myself that i could live without Elemis as am getting married and all that hoo-ha is taking all my money and then some… this was made easier by the fact that i live in aberdeen, which all nice shops have forsaken and so it is not that easy to get a hold of…UNTIL the evil one said it can be found on Amazon and now i want!!!
As for sunscreen, as previously mentioned, live in Aberdeen, therefore never see it. Which is a good thing really, cos i burn like stink. Sexy.
You are v funny & make me laugh a lot. Keep up the good work.
Nellig, right? I haven’t taken a bath (only showers, settle down) in 9 years, and suddenly I’m all Mmm…Elemis.
M, I don’t really like Jonathan Rhys Meyers especially, but I do appreciate that look in his eyes: like he enjoys being the handsomest man in all of England and he’d give you a go without much cajoling. Slutty! That’s what he is! (In the American sense of easy with the virtue, not the British sense of slatternly with the housekeeping.)
OK, I guess I’d better go buy some Clarins sunblock and Elemis. Oh, by the way, if you really burn easily, you should apply 15-30 minutes before you go out in the sun, and again every 30 minutes or so. And use a lot: like a 1/2 teaspoon for your face, not just a chintzy little dot.
[...] So. I had none of my magical Clarins superscreen. I was in duty free with some fictitous money. Money in another currency does not count and can be [...]
Wahhh. I was in Terminal 5 yesterday and I looked for this ESPECIALLY and they didn’t have it??? I think you’re making it up.
This sounds wonderful. Am I allowed to suggest something you might like? I use Clinique All Weather Cream. It is only SPF 15, but as well as protecting from sun, it helps you not get horrible red skin in the Scottish winter(in Dundee – the sign as you come in at the moment says ‘One City, Many Discoveries’ it should say ‘ it is VERY cold and windy here, I hope you brought extra clothing’). I assume it would work for Belgeland winter too. It is good for summer too, but only when it is not super hot. when it is super hot(above 18c), obviously I need spf140 for my pale Scottish skin.
It comes in a nice Clinique green pot too.
[...] Nevertheless, I really wanted to try your beloved Clarins anti-sun thingy what not, but I can’t afford the £28 or whatever it costs. (Shut up about the expensive [...]
[...] Yes, ANYWAY. Sunscreen. It’s either like mime makeup, or exceedingly expensive. And I need it, because it is fucking hot here. And sunny. And sweaty. Which as you can imagine, [...]