M in HippieLand

E: You seem excited M. Why is that? Tell us, tell us!

M: Before I begin, can I just say how ace our readers are. Batshit crazy, but ace. In response to my Angry Face Syndrome cry for help, they’ve recommended rubbing plants on my face, baby lotion, expensive oils, Vaseline (?!?!?), not eating curry (ha! fat chance), stuff that looks and feels like lard, and organic hippie juice. And no one has mentioned the monkey. Ace.

E: I liked the cocktails best. They are big on cocktails. I am telling you, they are Our People.

M: Yes, Our People. On Crack.

E: Yes. Sssssh.

M: Ssssh. So, inspired by their advice, I went on a tour of Edinburgh’s Health Shops.

E: Uh oh. I remember when I came to visit you and we stared in the window of the Organic Sex Shop and laughed until I nearly peed at the hemp dildos.

M: What is it with shop attendants in health shops?

E: They are all on heroin.

M: The beards.

E: The deathly pallor.

M: The slackness in the jaw. The nervous disposition.

E: They look anything but healthy. ‘Eat our tofu, and you can look this shit too’.

M: So, I went to Neal’s Yard first.

E: Who is Neal anyway, what’s in his yard, and why does he spell his name in such a stupid way? I smell hippie. Ssssssss.

M: Sssss what?

E: That’s my hippie scaring noise. I grew up in a den of them.

M: Oh god.

E: I am fearful already. WHAT? What have they done to you?

M: So, the woman only ever looked at me out of the corner of my eye. HER eye. Not my eye.

E: That would just be weird.

M: Anyway, she pulled out all these creams, said “I haven’t tried most of them”, and then left me to it.

E: Er, right. ok. Stellar customer service there.

M: “I don’t want to stand over you while you’re trying them on”. Makes a change, hippie.

E: In the wrong job, hippie.

M: So, they all smelled really strong. Like someone had crushed truck loads of flowers into one tiny pot.

E: I hate that.

M: I got some samples, and made my boyfriend smell one, without telling him where it was from. He said “WHOA, now that smells like a hippie”.

E: He has a nose for hippy. Was he also raised in a commune?

M: After that, I went to Hanover Health Food, where I got some of that Weleda Almond cleanser and cream.

E: This is like a journey into my childhood. Hippies galore.

M: Childhoood? Doesn’t your sister make soap from twigs and bits of rock?

E: Yes. She has never quite broken away from the cult of hemp.

M: The almond cream smells like marzipan and bakewell tart crushed together. I want to lick my own face.

E: Mmmmm. That is a good thing. Sort of.

M: My tongue is not long enough, sadly.

E: Nice.

M: I need a lizard tongue.

E: A bear tongue. 25cms.

M: How do you know this statistic?

E: Le Journal de Mickey. My son showed me a picture this afternoon.

M: Now we get to the good bit.

E: Yay!

M: I went to Holland and Barrett.

E: Uh oh. UH. OH.

M: Where I bought some aloe vera gel. Not just any gel. Bio Active Soothing Hand Filleted Organic Aloe Vera Gel.

E: You sound like an M&S voiceover. It is pleasing to me.

M: You’re an M&S junkie.

E: That is a matter of public record. Continue, hippie licker.

M: There was this little dark shelf, full of “manager’s special” products – all heavily discounted.

E: Oooooh. I have fear. Was there whey powder? In giant butch tubs.

M: Far far worse. First I saw this ClearGen thing. It is a spot treatment.

E: That sounds like it might be made from stem cells in an underground Swiss laboratory. Ace.

M: Made of extract of Mangosteen. The Mangosteen is “the Queen of fruits” in South East Asia.

E: Mangosteen. Pfff. Hippies.

M: Do not diss the mangosteen. There is all sorts of pseudo science behind it. Look!

E: Whoa. I didn’t bring my Phd with me. That shit is complex.

M: it stimulates something called phagocyte cells. PHAGOCYTE. It is also a Potent Inhibitor of COX-2 and COX-1 enzymes. HOW SCI FI DOES THAT SHIT SOUND?

E: Phagocytes. Cox enzymes. This is made by The Double Entendre Pharmaceutical Company isn’t it?

M: I am obsessed with it, even though it’s clearly crap because no one bought it and it ended up on the bargain basement shelf. WHY DID I NOT BUY IT?

E: YOU CAN GO BACK. IT WILL STILL BE THERE BECAUSE IT IS USELESS SHIT.

M: There are in-vitro studies, E, IN VITRO STUDIES.

E: How do you study fruit in vitro anyway? What vitro do they put the fruit in? And what happens next? I NEED ANSWERS.

M: Maybe one day we will find out. Anyway. Moving on to the pièce de résistance.

E: Urgh. There’s more hippie shit?

M: May I present: De Tuinen Helix Aspersa Muller SNAIL GEL.

M: Currently whipping up a storm in Holland. Sourced from the slime of Chilean snails. It brings your skin into a “class of its own”, allegedly.

E: Ahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahaahhahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahaha. Chilean snail slime? Really?

M: YES.

E: Und the name! Who the fuck puts snail slime on their FACE?

M: THE DUTCH.

E: You know what that is, don’t you. It’s the extremely potent cannabis resin in their siroopwaffeln.

M: Look:

E: Oh holy mother of god. It’s actually called Snail Gel. I could not be happier. It would be IMPOSSIBLE to be happier.

M: YES! SNAIL gel. S.N.A.I.L. GEL.

E: How much is snail gel M? Because I think we have to try it.

M: You’ll find it’s a very reasonable £20.45. BUT it’s half price at the moment.

E: Oooooh. BARGAIN. SNAIL GEL HALF PRICE STEAL.

M: My boyfriend wanted to know if you have to use the snail as an applicator. I said I wasn’t sure.

E: On that photo, is the snail big, or is the pot small? Is it one of those GIANT snails?

M: Like an African land snail?

E: Yes. It looks like our African land snail looked before my ex decided it “would be happier outside”.

M: Oh.

E: It was not happier outside.

M: Outside… in snail PARADISE.

E: It was,in fact very rapidly dead. And happier In A Better Place.

M: In the big Chilean snail farm in the sky.

E: Actually, De Tuinen means ‘garden’, I believe, so they are probably just bog standard Dutch snails from someone’s backyard cannabis farm. Oh, Holland and Barrett. You are Facegoop GOLD.

M: It was amazing. AMAZING. There was so, so much more. Goji berry creams. Ear candles. Aloe vera colon cleanse!

E Dutch snail goo. Is the “Holland” in their name related to Holland Holland? Because that would explain a LOT.

M: Yes, yes it would.

E: I am in London next week. I will also go on a field trip to Holland & Barrett. I will not rest until I have smeared my face in the secretions of Dutch snails. Using an actual Dutch snail to apply it.

De Tuinen Snail Face Gel, £10.22

Related Posts with Thumbnails

M likes bright powders in tiny pots and anything that will make her hair more Jen Brill and less Shaun the Sheep.

16 Comments

  • March 21, 2010

    orangeneet3

    I can’t tell you how much I love reading your reviews. Purrlease can you recommend a facial cleansing wipe. I’m stuck on buying the 77p ones from Lidl coz I can’t justify spending more. The L’Oreal ones are shite and at £5 a bloody piss-take too

  • March 21, 2010

    Alison Cross

    *crosses fingers and lights votives to the patron saint of beauty, St Katherine of Moss,* Please God, let the Facegoop ladies have a competition where a tub of snail gel is a prize…….

    I’ve got to get some of this! It would be worth it just to see the looks on my friends faces after they’ve had the obligatory rummage around the bathroom cabinet!

    Did you know that this gel got tested by Alison on ‘The Beechgrove Garden’ last year (or year before?).

    Alix

  • March 21, 2010

    polish chick

    snail slime – i just KNOW that that is the thing that would make me beautiful, radiant, witty and slim, innit? and of course we cannot get it on this bloody side of the pond. fuck.

    oh. wait. it has just come to my attention that snail slime cream contains formaldehyde, sodium lauryl sulphate (a known carcinogen!) and…gasp….alcohol! begone, foul beast!

  • March 21, 2010

    oxslip

    You can also apply squished emus to yourself, it doesn’t top snail mucus, but might repel hippies.
    I know this because it was in the Guardian, where they squeamishly recommended the hand cream over the lip balm

    http://www.personalisedgifts4alloccasions.co.uk/product.aspx?guid=c4895f9a-48d3-4ce9-adfb-2dec7937c832&ct=53&pt=0&from=coll

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/mar/05/beauty

  • March 21, 2010

    Em

    There’s just so much information here, it’s hard to know where to start but you do like your disturbing animal pictures don’t you? That bear’s tongue is not a good thing to see first thing Monday morning.

    I’d read about the snail cream and can’t believe anyone would actually use it. But! It’s on sale. It’s begging to be used. Don’t let those snails have died in vain…

  • March 21, 2010

    M

    Actually – ACTUALLY – no snails are harmed in the making of the gel. They are left to roam “free range” on muslin, which is then collected and, erm, harvested for snail slime.

  • March 21, 2010

    Em

    Eww. Even free range. Still eww…

  • March 21, 2010

    Iheartfashion

    You must try the ear candles! My sister and I did it last weekend, and the results were fantasticly disgusting.

  • March 21, 2010

    M

    Iheartfashion – what on earth IS an ear candle? I keep on seeing them at the hippie store, but I’m too scared to ask.

  • March 21, 2010

    E

    Emu secretions? The world has gone mad. The hippies are taking over. Gaaaaah.

  • March 22, 2010

    Alison Cross

    Ear candles are supposed to be placed in your ear as you lie on your side. Lit and then allowed to burn down. I think that what’s supposed to happen is that some kind of chimney effect draws gunk out of your ear into the hollow centre of the candle.

    However, as far as I’m aware, chimney’s need a draft. And I have an eardrum and a brain and all sorts of stuff in between my ears, so it is impossible for a chimney reaction to occur. Basically, I think that some wax from the candles gets inside the cavity and everyone is led to believe that it’s earwax.

    I need to get my ears syringed regularly and never at any time does what comes out of my lughole resemble the stuff inside the candle.

    Great fun to get the candles going though!

    The first time I did it my son, who was just a toddler at the time, staggered into the room, sang a chorus of happy birthday and blew it out.

    AX

  • March 22, 2010

    Lisa-Marie

    I just laughed so hard husband actually asked what I was laughing at. He seems a bit confused, Face Goop seems to not be for boys.

    Snail Slime Face Cream, really? My god, people will buy anything. I think I’d rather be ugly and wrinkly than put snail go on my face. At least it’s not slug goo though, that would be worse…

    E, My friends and I invented a new cocktail. We made Woowoos(Vodka, Peach Schnapps, Cranberry juice) and then realised that normal you put a lime slice in. we put a shot of Sourz in instead and some raspberries. We named it ‘awesomejuice’. It is rather good. We also had Mojitos, Black Russians, Don Kings and various other home made inventions. Made by my friend who’s theory is ‘If you can’t taste the alcohol, there isn’t enough in it’. It was an entertaining evening.

    M, I demand and ear candle experiment!

  • March 23, 2010

    Mrs Jones

    Ear candles don’t work – here, read this and all will be explained – http://www.jimmeruk.com/Jim-Reports/ear-whacks.html

  • March 28, 2010

    Lizzie

    does slug slime work just as well?

  • [...] E. You are a day late with your snail gel report. Come on, what’s [...]

  • May 6, 2010

    LoisParis

    I have adopted the hippy scaring noise for use in my everyday life, I hope you don’t mind. One of my flatmates has the air of the hippy about her; she leaves her teabags on the side to ‘use again later’ and once, ONCE, she wore a skirt that had little jingly coins sewn along the hem. Similar to the one worn by Esmerelda in The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

    But I aime her lots, so I can excuse the odd bout of hippieness. However, hippies who I do not aime will be feeling the full force of my Sssssssss!

Leave a Reply