The Water Diaries: final verdict
This is the conclusion of our attempt to drink eight glasses of water a day, for one whole week.
M: So. Water. The weekend edition.
E: Yesterday: I bought and consumed three 50cl bottles. It was like my soul was dying. I am an enviro-vandal! WHAT OF KARMA?????
M: Karma doesn’t believe in plastic.
E: I mean, water is all very well, but that’s the planet I’m flaying.
M: I seem to remember you having some dependency issues with your central heating
E: Hmm. No comment. I didn’t see you complaining when you were here huddled in your blanket.. no hang on I DID see you complaining.
M: You know how I dismissed the coconut water the other day?
E: Yes, I recall. Grey. Tasteless.
M: Well, I drank the whole carton yesterday. Like a lunatic. It may not taste like the real thing, but it’s thirst quenching like the real thing.
E: And? Do you feel refreshed? Are your arms all sinewy?
Mi: No, I just want more. MORE. MORE TASTELESS PSEUDO-COCOWATER. They must sprinkle it with opium.
E: I see, it’s like Whiskas.
M: Whiskas? The cat food?
E: Once you have tasted it, no other beverage (or in the case of Whiskas, cat food) will do.
M: You eat cat food? Dude.
E: NO I DO NOT EAT CAT FOOD. I eat crisps. Leftover fishfingers. And this evening: a handful of frozen peas STRAIGHT FROM MY HAND. It’s Lord of the Flies round here. No cutlery. nothing. But definitely not cat food.
M: Are you quite, quite sure?
E: Shut up now.
M: So, I think we can both agree that we more or less had our water quota this week end, yes?
E: Yes. Plenty of the stuff today, more’s the pity.
M: Which brings us to the end of Water Week. Despicable, spiteful Water Week.
E: Yes. THANK FUCK YOU ARE OVER WATER WEEK. M, my skin has never looked worse. Not even when I was 14.
M: Why is that? We have disturbed the badness.
E: Yes. Oh god, we messed with the natural order and look what has happened. Water! it is supposed to stay in the bath and stuff.
M: Yes. Possibly useful for boiling pasta. But drinking it? No.
E: I have a big spot on my chin. I never get spots.And the rest of my face is a mass of small irritations. I am not even posting a picture of myself because I would like to sex again at least once in my life, and once that picture is out there, that would never be possible. Nope. Nuh-uh. No “after” picture. AFTER THE APOCALYPSE.
M: I thought we had a deal.
E: I am reneging on the deal.
M: Pffff. My after picture looks significantly better than my before picture. Though that might have more to do with the dappled spring light and the full afternoon of napping.
E: Well. GOOD FOR YOU.
M: Can I see though? I want to see. We don’t need to post it.
E: This is going to be like one of those LOLcat things. “U sed those pikchurs were privut. Why u put them on interwebz?”. But I trust you, M. Here you go. Seriously. you will see. It’s like it’s not me. It’s another person.
…..
M: Oh my fucking god, you weren’t exaggerating! What the fuck!
E: I KNOW! I KNOW I KNOW.
M: You look like that little runt from upstairs who was arrested the other week.
E: Water has turned me into a ned. Great. Fucking brilliant.
M: A 14 year old ned. But hey! Water! It has miraculous anti-ageing properties! It’s turned back the clock by 20 years!
E: Fuck you and your miraculous properties, water. That is my conclusion for the week. And I will NOT be continuing to drink you. What is your conclusion for the week, M?
M: Well, obviously, I had disastrous monkey face for most of the week, so that wasn’t good. But, looking at my after photo (which we also won’t post), my hair is freakishly glossy and well behaved. And I don’t look quite so grey. Although I do still have brown bags under my eyes, but that’s because I don’t sleep.
So my conclusion for the week is: drinking more water is all very well, but if you don’t get any sleep you’re still going to look like shit. The end.
E: Ok. And there we have it. Highly scientific conclusions from team Facegoop.
M: I am going to keep it up. Or at least, try to drink a couple of glasses in the morning.
E: I’m not. I mean, why would I?
M: Indeed.
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I think you need to keep going. I heard it takes at least 2 weeks for it to make any difference…
I just want to say, bravo for going where so many of us wouldn’t – all in the name of investigative blogging! Water might be EVIL, but you are brave water warriors who have helped us to realise that water should play no role in our drinking lives…am sure that snail slime on one’s face would be preferable to continued water torture, in fact! So now, evil water, it’s time for you to leave this blog and never return…
I am drinking more water every day – entirely down to this experiment – and I hope to keep it up. I *think* I feel a bit better in myself for it. Plus, upping your water intake means that you stop peeing string……maybe that’s just me.
I am now conducting my own experiment to see whether if I eat the recipes from Sophie Dahl’s cookbook for one week I will be transformed into a 6′ gazelle with a tiny waist and a husband that you could dangle on a key ring.
I’m off for my porridge with apricots, manuka honey (actually, just co-op honey for me) and creme fraiche.
I bet you she drinks TONS of water – specially flown in from Italy on the backs of fairies.
Well done ladies. I think you should got for another 7 days. Just to make sure……..
Alix
You people are evil. EVIL.
Totally unrelated to water (+ by the way – SNAIL GEL?? I screamed aloud, remind me never to send you my photo of the box of African land snails in Brixton Market), I have a suggestion: please can we have, over on the right maybe, a suggestion box for products we, your reading public, would like you to review? For example I am dying, dying I tell you, to find a creme for my decolletage which does not bring me up in spots. Because there is nothing more alluring than spotty bosoms. Which I currently have. Which may be too much information.
I don’t think there’s such a thing as ‘too much information’ on this blog.
E & M, I’m sorry but I must insist on a picture. Come on, don’t let us loyal readers down. Did we not rally round (around?) when M had her leprotic disaster? We deserve this. I don’t want to put either of you under pressure but you will be bad. BAD. people if you don’t deliver the goods. BAD.
Well done for the use of the word ‘NED’. It sounds better than ‘CHAV’ I think!
Detoxing angers your inner demons; It’s a pseudo-fact.
Yes, well done-ish on the water and all but I’ve been terribly distracted by the fact that real advertising is taking place on the right of this blog. About getting thin. It’s upsetting me.
Em, I was quite enjoying one earlier that seemed to be for a whole water purification plant. Reach for the stars! Buy YOUR OWN WATER PURIFICATION PLANT. Then don’t drink the water, obviously. Aspirational stuff.
Sorry. We need advertising. We have no money. (Or principles). The 47p we have earned to date is almost enough for a packet of chewing gum. Today chewing gum, tomorrow a water purification plant.
I totally respect your lack of principles – that’s why i’m here… Just hugely impressed/disturbed by real advertising.
Know we can count on you to keep it real (as we say down here in the hood). I’ll stop now.
Em, my ads are telling me my skin is blotchy. Interesting.
I forgot to ask you girls: Did you every drink your water with ice?
Evil influences – I’ve been drinking more water all week because of this! Power of suggestion!
But as for spots – it could be (sorry but I’m from California where we believe in things like this) ‘toxins clearing’ – giving you a big kick in the ass on the way out. When I switched from toxic kibble to all natural raw food for my dog, that’s what happens – eyes and nose runs, they look like shit and then all of a sudden – shiny & frisky! So keep it up – become shiny & frisky??
Alex – I suspect if you make lots of noise about it, E will eventually relent and let me post some after pictures. Possibly less terrifying ones than the one she sent me. Go on. Go on go on go on.
Well, so far I have collected 500,000 signatures demanding the ‘after’ signatures – the BAD ones. Then, if our demands are not met, each of you will lose a handbag every hour, on the hour, starting from midnight. The most loved one will get the chop first. You understand I don’t want to shred your bags? It’s the others. They cannot be controlled.
Pictures. That’s all we want. Pictures.
Oh and by the way, your water diaries reminded me that I am shrivelled and shrunken with dehydration so I started the 8 glasses of water too. Six days on, I am radiant and dewy skinned with clear (WHITE oh so WHITE) eyes. Thought you guys would want to know. XX
Alex, though you were clearly sent by the devil, I admire your creative threats. White eyes though? You are a poor liar.
Alex, Devil Woman,
I only have ONE handbag and I do not care a jot for it. Take it! I’ll use a bin bag! You should have said shoes. Poor strategy. Or even Laura Mercier Secret Camouflage, because without that I might as well just be dead.
However. If the public demand a photo, I will provide a photo. Not the one I sent M though.
Ok fair enough. WhitER eyes.
E, is the one you sent M,(feel a bit like a dodgy cheer leader) bad? If so, we want that one.
First of your bags E, will be anything big and shiny. It’ll shine no more.
Bags are what? Accessories. Shoes are what? Accessories! Shoes’ll get it too.
Alex, It is not simply bad. It is the most revolting photograph in existence. If it were in an olde worlde photo library the like of which used to exist before the interweb, it would be in a locked drawer behind the assistant’s desk, and you would have to sign a waiver to view it.
Alex, I thought she was exaggerating, but it really is THAT BAD. I recoiled when I saw it. She will have to take another picture. No amount of cajoling will convince her to make that one public.
And by cajoling, I mean vague threats about accessories.
I don’t believe that E. I possess the most revolting picture – me, fork in mid air and mouth open ready to receive the fork.
Come one, make all us lesser mortals feel better.
By the way M. Where did you get your lipstick? It’s quite hard to find a real red lippy that isn’t pinkish.
Aha! We will review the lipstick. Soon. It is a bit pink though.
I just thank GOD someone has done this so I don’t HAVE TO.
You have confirmed what I have always suspected.
Now, if you would be kind enough to prove that EXERCISE IS BAD FOR US I’d be very appreciative.
Blackbird: Jim Fixx. Father of the modern jogging movement. Dropped dead of a heart attack at 52 after his daily run.
Alex – red lippy. “Mr” Nars makes a divine fat crayon type thing, color “Cruella”. Not a trace of pink.
Artichoke Queen, you are giving away our “trade” “secrets”. Nars velvet matte lip pencil review coming soon – mine is Dragon Girl. Grrrrrrl.
Brilliant. Thanks Artichoke Queen.
Still looking forward to the review though M! Also, could you at the same time review lip primers? I have 3 at the bottom of my bag at the moment – used about once and utterly useless as far as I can tell. But the packaging is oh so pretty.
*taps foot impatiently * where’s the danged AFTER photos??? Come along now, we won’t laugh………much.
Ali x
http://bit.ly/avq7a5 look! It’s all the horrible additives in the water that messed with your skin and your innards!
Ali x
W. C. Fields on the subject: “I don’t drink water; fish fuck in it.”