Space NK love
E: Hello M. I have a bag of Space NK BADNESS. So much free stuff. This week end (Friday and Saturday), if you spend £60 they give you a huge bag of stuff. STUFF.
M: I went to space NK too. Ididn’t buy anything though because I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT WAS IN THE BAG FIRST.
E: OK. Well, I can tell you.
M: YAY!!! Go through the whole bag. It’s like getting the bag, without paying for the bag. And actually having to store all the stuff that comes in the bag. And remembering to throw the bag out rather than letting it fester in a corner full of other bags. And getting boils from using the stuff that is in the bag.
E: I don’t understand a single solitary bit of what you just said.
M: I’m saying, this is fun because I get all the fun of the space NK goodie bag without any of the inconvenience.
E: And without any of the joyful, hand rubbing glee, staring at your heap of free tat, though. Look!
M: Nice photo.
E: Shut up. Starting at the top, there’s a full sized thing of Space NK lavender hand wash. Hands will always need washing. Useful. Decent sized shower gel in “Jump Start” flavour. Small pot of Eve Lom cleanser and cloth. All good. Next, “WEI” cream, entitled “Royal Ming firming and hydrating cream”
M: I have some sarcastic comment to make about “Jump Start”, but I’m too distracted by WEI cream. What is WEI cream? Is it made of tiny lithe Chinese girls? Because it sounds likes it is.
E: I’m more concerned about whether it’s pronounced WEE or WAY. If there are Chinese girl in there, they’d have to be tiny. It’s a very small pot. Next, we have a nice high-tec blue and silver tube called “Dr Brandt Collagen Booster”.
M: Ha. I bet you love this because it has “Dr” in the name.
E: You are right, I love a doctor. Put your lab coat on Dr Brandt and tell me about peptides.
M: You are also a big fan of the Complex. If I squeezed out an old tea bag and labelled it “Dr M C4 Pepto-complex”, would you buy it?
E: Would it promise thinner thighs? Then I would. Who am I kidding, I would buy it regardless of its intoxicating promises because of the doctor bit. Doctors do not lie. Next, I think ridiculous name prize from the bag goes to “Elemental Herbology Cell Plumping”. The rest is teeny tiny samples. There’s a By Terry foundation. Bound to be too dark, foundation samples always are. Darphin Hydralight Skin whatever the fuck that is.Tiny sachet of Fekkai glossing cream and tiny sachet of Lubatti “dreamy night cream”. Couple of scent samples – Sisley and Acqua di Parma. The End.
M: And what did you have to buy to get all this bounty?
E: Well. You had to spend £60. So I went to see our old friend “Mr” “Nars“, who was represented by a pretty Spanish boy who they are probably grooming to be the next face of “Mr” “Nars”. “You wanta a fraiysh, spreenglike look?” he asked me. “Si si” I said. “I DO want a fresh springlike look, instead of this gin sodden crone look. Yes please. Et pouf! Sixty quid gone in seconds.
M: Pouf indeed, guapito. Oh god. Did you buy green eyeshadow? Bright lemongrass green eyeshadow?
E: No! I bought the famous Mutiple in Orgasm. No comment. I also bought a freaking lip gloss. I blame that Slagheap. It’s all her fault, coaxing me into they way of the sticky mouth.
M: What lip gloss?
E: It’s called Turkish Delight. Pinky neutral. Not too glassy glossy.
M: What else did you get? I bet there’s more.
E: I got a Matt Velvet Lip Pencil because you said it was the dog’s bollocks.
M: It is the dog’s bollocks. What colour?
E: Let me check.. Ha! WALKRYIE. I AM SPROUTING WINGS AND SINGING CONTRALTO. I AM WEARING A BREASTPLATE. Why is this pleasant nudeish lip pencil called Walkyrie? It seems most un-Walkyrie like.
M: Weil die Mädchen, sie sind nude, ja?
E: Ah, genau. Erm what else did I buy? Nothing I think. Oh, some eye make up remover. Talika
M: Any good?
E: Yes. It’s really really good for sensitive eyes and mine are mofoing sensitive.
M: What with having no lashes and all?
E: Yes. It says it’s « pour yeux hypersensibles » and it really is.
M: Eh ben, hyper cool.
E: Hyper, super, méga sensibles. It’s cool and non-stingy and gets everything off quickly. Hang on, I found another thing in the bag of goodies. Nude Eye Complex.
M: Oh, I tried the Nude cleansing oil. It was rather nice.
E: Was this your Space NK trip? Tell me about it.
M: Well. I was a space NK virgin and I went in with my red monkey face woes.The glossy haired, fresh faced assistant was very nice. She picked out Nude oil, Darphin serum, Ren creams and gave me a mini facial.
E. Nice. They ARE nice in Space NK. They should be at the prices they charge.
M: There were lots of explanations. She said “YOU NEED TO EXFOLIATE”.
I said “LISTEN UP PUNK ASS MY FACE IS RAW, RAW I TELL YOU”.
It started stinging when she put the serum on so she took it all off again and put on some Caudalie cream, which was ok. But!
E: What?
M: Then I had to kick her in the groin when she tried to put Rêve de Miel on me, and made a run for the door.
E: Back off with your Cauchemar de Miel!
M: If you’re reading, kind Space NK lady, I am sorry. I’M SORRY I KICKED YOU. It wuz my face wot made me do it.
E: No, it was the bees. The bees made you do it.
M: It was, the fuzzy stripy bastards. But I am still thinking about the oil. It was good. Maybe I will wait until Muji’s is released next month or whenever.
E: Muji has an oil?
M: Yes, it is meant to be very good but it hasn’t launched in the UK yet. More reliably informed beauty blogs have confirmed this.
E: There is one more thing in the bag, but it was a special gift from “Mr” “Nars” for buying too much of his crackmakeup. And it is A GIVEAWAY.
M: OOOOH A GIVEAWAY. This will please ‘Mr’ ‘Nars’.
E: Si si senorita. It is a Nars Glitter Pencil. I cannot endorse it because I have never tried it, but we know the faceless corporation behind “Mr” “Nars” is a genius and wishes us nothing but good.
M: Fact.
E: Actual scientifically proven fact. And it is full sized and I have not played with it and it’s in a box and so on. It’s sort of pale creamy with a big old fuck off sparkle. Actually more of a glitter as the name suggests.
M: Here is a non-accurate pictorial representation of said glitter pencil:
M: So what do they have to do to get it?
E: Well. they have to tell us what the shittest beauty freebie they ever got contained. They can of course lie and say ‘half a weasel and a piece of pork crackling’ if they want.
M: Ok. Sounds good. Sounds… tasty. Mmmm, weasel crackling.
E: Mmmmmm those juicy plump weasels.
Right, you know what to do. Comment in the box below for a chance to win a “Mr” “Nars” glittery pencil. You have until midnight on Wednesday the 31st of March.
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I can’t believe that there’s a product in that bag called Fekkai and you didn’t make a single joke about it. Think Water Week might have affected both of you more seriously than we first thought.
I don’t have anything funny or enlightening to say about eyeliners other than..give me THAT one right NOW!
Actually, I’d settle for the snail goo. After all, when was the last time you saw an elderly snail with wrinkles. Ergo, it *must* work.
Ali x
pearlescent coral pink lipsticks. gobs of them. you’d think the ijits would figure out that nobody buys that shit and stop making them, instead they continue to make them and then put them in the leatherette pouches along with the adorable and incredibly useful mini mascaras, smack-my-bitch-up purple eye shadow (full size) and revolting oily eye make-up remover (travel size)*. i have donated bags of pearlescent coral pink lipsticks to women’s shelters, because, apparently, nothing boosts your self esteem like free high end pearlescent coral pink lipstick when you’ve had to run away from your horrifying marriage.**
*who in their right mind gobs grease on their eyeballs? it feels wrong. and funny. and then you leave oily marks on the pillow case and wonder if, during the night, stuff was leaking out of your orifices, and who needs that kind of mental anguish?
**i am in no way, shape, or form, making any kind of fun of women who have been forced by violence to leave their domestic situations. just so you know.
Someone gave me a green mascara once. With a Breakfast at Tiffany’s dvd and a brownie. That’ll teach me to gatecrash swanky hotel parties. GREEN!? Who wears green!?
the shittest one i ever got was frosted pink lipstick as a gift i think…. with blue eyeshadow… oh god the horror! i would LOVE this pencil, it would be my friend and come everywhere with me as it looks amazing!
Picture the scene, Bell College in Hamilton, sometime in the late 1980s. It’s all big hair, shoulder pads, tulip skirts and hormones.
I am in the cafeteria sitting with friends. I see Him, he whom I have fancied from afar for weeks, sitting with his friends not too far away. We make eye contact. Seductively, I apply my chap stick. He looks stunned and amazed. Result.
I go to loo before class and discover to my utter, UTTER horror that I have, in fact, applied my mood-changing lipstick (remember them! – free gift, some teen magazine) which is now smeared all over my mouth in a virulent scarlet.
Fuck. I look like Robert Smith from the Cure. I mean a REALLY poorly made-up Robert Smith from the Cure.
Reader, I never had the gumption to raise my eyes to that chap’s gaze again.
Ali x
Allison, I noticed the lack of Fekkai comments too!
The worst beauty freebie ever got was sludge green Boots 17 eyeshadow. I was allergic to i
t too. Sludge Green + Boot 17 branding + Allergies = bad free thing.
Allison, where do you live? I mean, in Scotland obviously, but rarely do I here someone on the interwebs talking about Bell College!
Aarghhh when I was 15 I got some free tea tree oil face stuff, which I dutifully smeared all over myself. Cue burning, burning, burning – bright red face, flaking skin and me refusing point blank to go to school for three days as I looked like a leper.
It was then that I realised I am allergic to el cheapo tea tree oil related products. Woe.
And I want to hear the sarcastic ‘jump start’ comments, I am intrigued.
Muchachas, I so want this pencil for my mamacita (who is, incidently, authentically Espanish), because she has had many misadventures with make-up. (NB: she normally wears none). Most recent misadventure. Mi mama querida decides to go through a really old make up stash, as generously left behing by my sisters and I when we left maman’s nest (many moons ago). She is irresitibly drawn to an electric blue eyeshadow, which she proceeds to smear not very skillfully but exceedingly generously all over her right eyelid. She likes what she sees, yes she does, and leaves it on, then gets distracted and carries on cleaning out the make up cupboard of marvels. Then leaves the bathroom, then takes her purse and goes to purchase her daily baguette (mamacita has lived in France for mucho tiempo) and some groceries, then stops to chat with some neighbours, then signs for a parcel delivered by a bemused postman, etc. Some time later she passes a mirror in her house and realises to her great desesperación that she has been sporting ONE truly shocking bright blue eyelid all bloody day. She laughs and cries at once.
My maman chérie needs a nice eye liner from el guapito Mr Nars. She does. Then she won’t be drawn to the make-up stash of endless embarrassment. Merci and have mercy.
I honestly can say I have never received a shit GWP. Do you know why? Because they were all FREE. Free MAKEUP. How can that be shit? Even if it IS shit, it’s FREE shit. And everyone likes free shit. Do you know WHY everyone loves free shit? BECAUSE IT’S FREE. So, in conclusion, may I have that glittery pencil thingie? I would like to have it because of its freeness. Thank you.
C’mon, the worst free beauty gifts are always the free scents in tiny vials attached to blandishment cards – you know, the ones that are inevitably in “Grandma squishes gardenias with her feet” scent, or the bewitching “pine cones and armpits.” Where all other lame freebies get tossed in a drawer for months before I throw them out, “just in case…” (with the ellipses left to dangle, forever unfulfilled), the stink sticks get garbaged immediately.
Lisa- Marie – I hail originally from Airdrie, a place so vile that Sir Nicholas Fairbairn once remarked that if the world ever needed a suppository it would be inserted in Airdrie. I don’t think it’s THAT bad m’self.
I now live on the Isle of Bute, also memorably described by some wit as 7,000 drunks clinging to a rock. They were QUITE wrong about that. It must be about 8,000. And we don’t cling, we sort of lie about wartching daytime tv and wishing we had a Woollies again.
And you?
Ali x
I’m from a place called Dalmellington, which is in deepest darkest Ayrshire. It is 20 years behind most places really, and consists of about 4000 Protestants who hate everyone who isn’t them, and alot of pubs (12).
I lived in Paisley for 3 years with the husband -I know, out of the frying pan and into the fire – the main benefit being that it’s near Glasgow, which I love despite it being fairly dangerous.
I now live in Dundee as the husband got a job at the uni here. Fortunately I went to uni here, and therefor move back to a place where there are people I actually like. It’s rubbish for going out, but fun otherwise.
I quite enjoy Bute if it’s any consolation, the pubs are good. Also my sister’s fiancee is from Aidrie, and he is lovely, so so far I like people from there!
Ayrshire is deep and dark, for sure! I have friends from Kilmarnock and it doesn’t get murkier than that *joke*.
Don’t think I’ve ever been to Dalmellington – is it the sort of place that when you drive thorugh it you start to hear the banjo from Deliverance being played in your head?
Next time you’re on Bute, look out for me, I’ll be the woman inhaling the contents of the cake cabinet at Ettrick Bay tearoom
Ali X xxxx
Worst make-up freebie just has to be a bright pearly white highlighter. Whatever way I tried to use it I only succeeded in creating the scary Joan Collins/vampy Liz Taylor look. Methinks I’m ready for a slick of sparkly loveliness.
much love
xxx
Ali, it is very much that sort of place. In fact, it is the sort of place you should drive through and keep going quite quickly(it’s worse than Kilmarnock, and known for being so). I should say though that as I was a ‘local’ it was ok to grow up in, because I knew everyone(both a good and a bad thing). I am glad I escaped though!
Next time I’m on Bute, I’ll bring 2 cakes and we can inhale one each!
My worst free samples are always the ones that I insist on trying despite the fact that they are violently opposed to my skin/hair type. I am in possession of this bag, and yesterday I tried the Fekkai glossing cream. I have fine, limp hair. It made it look like an oil slick. I should have been able to work this out for myself.
I have several stories of similar woe. Lessons learned: ZERO. I am currently eyeing the bag’s free sample of Rodial fake tan thinking “…well, it was free…” I have deathly pale Anglo skin. It is in shade “dark”. Trouble ahead.
Actually, technically, lessons learned: ONE (probably temporary.) Eve Lom cleanser. It gives me the worst spots ever. I do not use it even when I have a sample of it (which I do! see: goodie bag.) However, I use and love their moisturiser. And every time I buy it, the lovely Space NK people try to give me a sample of the cleanser, and go on to be in TOTAL DENIAL about the fact that I DO NOT WANT it. They always seem to think I should give it another go. Eventually, they will persuade me. Sigh.
Lisa Marie – it’s a deal. Bagsy me the one with all the cream
Ali xxxx
Hi Sally – I once bought a whole pot of Eve Lom Cleanser to discover it simultaneously brought me out in spots and sandpaper like dry patches. I went back into Space NK and suggested they sell me something without its amazing skin destroying properties, and they said ‘bring it back and we’ll refund your money’. Just like that! I didn’t have to harm anyone! Well, you could have knocked me down with a feather
Ladies – please don’t enter me into the glittery pencil draw. Sadly I’m old enough to know it would make me look like mutton dressed as Barberella. Sigh!
I would however be interested to hear your sarky comments about Jump Start, and I am joining in the gigglesnorting about Fekkai.
[...] M: So. It’s time for us to give away that Nars Glitter Crayon you stole. [...]