De Tuinen Snail Gel review

M: E. You are a day late with your snail gel report. Come on, what’s happening?

E: Well. I wanted to do a proper scientific controlled test of snail gel. Because, you know. I am all about the science.

M: Yes. Lab coat? Check. Severe glasses? Check. Clipboard? Check. You are the Monica of cosmetic testing.

E: Rigorous. Stringent. So I have been looking for snails with which to perform a controlled test. But you know what? Something very very sinister is happening.

M: Uh oh.

E: Where once the slithery little blighters were everywhere, now there are NONE. There is not a single snail in the whole of my slimy, neglected snail paradise of a garden.

M: Interesting. Iiiiinteresting. It’s the APOCALYPSE, isn’t it?

E: SNAPOCALYPSE maybe

M: SNAILOCALYPSE?

E: Text edit says “this word not found in the dictionary”. Really, Textedit? That’s an oversight.

M: SNAILOCALYPSE. In all good dictionaries worldwide.

E: Anyway. The only thing I could find were these:

E: Dried out snail carcasses. I can tell you, my blood ran cold.

M: Do you think the snails are mutating? Turning into freakish slugs?

E: No. I do not think they are mutating. I think something far, far more sinister is happening.

M: Oh god. OH GOD. They are being harvested, aren’t they?

E: YES. The evil Dutch boffins at De Tuinen – which, uncoincidentally, means THE GARDEN – are sneaking into Belgium in the dead of night and harvesting my snails. The snail gel is in fact made with plucky belgian garden snails. None of this Chilean bullshit.

M: Gringo caracol.

E: Aaaaanyway. In the absence of control snails, I decided I would just decorate the pot instead.

M: Fair enough.

E: I thought so. Scientific.

M: Yes. Aesthetically scientific. So what’s it like, this wonder goo?

E: Well. It says on the jar that it has “a beneficial effect on impure skin”. my skin is very impure. It is full of wine, cheap chocolate, cold remedies and the occasional stick of cancerous death.

M: Oh boy. Your skin is definitely impure. I bet it has impure thoughts.

E: Pope Benedict the Bastard has issued an edict against my skin. Fact. Perfect, then, to test the snail gel, which makes the following promise in alluring, grammatically approximate English:

“The skin will become silky soft and very smooth. By coincidence it was discovered that the slime the Helix Aspersa Muller snails use to repair the snail shell’s, has a soothing and beneficial effect on the human skin”.

I have no idea if this is true as I have only used it once so far. But I can tell you this: It is VERY VERY STICKY.

M: Never. Snail goo? Sticky? Next you’ll be saying La Prairie is expensive.

E: There is absolutely no doubt that you are smearing the mucousy ooze of snails on your face.

M: Oh man. Is it on you right now? Can you go outside with it?

E: Yes. It is on me right now. Probably drying to a silvery, flaky trail effect. I am perfectly safe to go outside. I’ll be fine as long as I don’t eat too much salt. If I eat salt I will shrivel and liquefy. (It doesn’t say that on the jar).

M: No, but we know this to be fact.

E: I would like, at this point, to remind our readers that “Gathering the slime does not harm the snails” This IS stated on the jar.

M: We have photographic evidence to the contrary.

E: The snail cemetery that is my garden begs to differ.

M: So, is your skin soft and silky smooth?

E: So far there is no discernable softness or silkiness. But I am committing to applying this for THREE WHOLE DAYS.

M: Wow.

E: I will do this for you, Facegoop readers, even though it will probably give me angry monkey face on easter weekend when I have Plans that involve leaving the house and seeing other human beings. Iwill report back on my mucousy progress.

M: I can’t wait, but is this wise?

E: No. It is not at all wise. It’s, it’s…………. SCIENCE.

M: Weird science.

De Tuinen Snail Face Gel, £10.22

Related Posts with Thumbnails

M likes bright powders in tiny pots and anything that will make her hair more Jen Brill and less Shaun the Sheep.

29 Comments

  • April 1, 2010

    Alex Sheppard

    The decorated snail pot has made my Thursday – you ladies are all sorts of awesome!

  • April 1, 2010

    soleils

    Ahhh…. this has just made, if not my day, my lunch break. Gringo caracol should be copyright, M, it just sounds so right. I laughed so much at this – and at the E-customised jar of snail slime elixir. I can barely contain my excitement at the potential results of this highly scientific test you’re doing, E. Much appreciated. And, btw, I was just telling my concerned boys yesterday that there is NOT ONE snail (or even a snail shell) in our garden, which was, in previous years, COVERED in the slimy buggers. Are they going the way of the bees, perhaps? Now I am worried.

  • April 1, 2010

    Alison Cross

    Do you have thrushes? THRUSHES. The bird, not the yeast infection. If you found all the busted snail shells near a big flat stone, you may have a snail-anvil in your garden.

    No. Honestly. Cross my heart and hope to die. That’s what the rock is called that hungry thrushes batter snails to death on.

    I soooooooo want this snailface gel to work. It just feels so ridiculous that it must be RIGHT.

    Roll on the next 3 days ;-)

    Ali x

  • April 1, 2010

    E

    Oh god, Alison. A snail anvil? Just when I thought today couldn’t possibly get any worse.

  • April 1, 2010

    J

    Am still chortling with delight over the scientifically decorated snail goo pot! Have a happy, snailish Easter ladies!

  • April 1, 2010

    Alex

    Oh. So when you said ‘snail goo,’ you really MEANT ‘snail goo.’
    Sticky can’t be good, with the wind ‘n all.

  • April 1, 2010

    E

    What I love is how, on the FRONT of the jar they remember to call it “gel” but on the back they slip and start calling it what it really is, “slime”.

  • April 1, 2010

    Alison Cross

    There’s even yootchoob film for the merits of this stuff, look: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-QHtpA_GLY&feature=related

    Alix

  • April 1, 2010

    Twinkle

    its just so wrong its right. Cant wait to hear the results.

  • April 1, 2010

    Grace London

    Snail. Slime.

    That’s it really. It’s snail slime. On your face. I love the decorated pot, though.

  • April 1, 2010

    M

    The snail pot had me howling with laughter when I first saw it. I love its rabbit-caught-in-headlights expression.
    Clearly, I’m easily amused.

  • April 1, 2010

    Lisa-Marie

    Could perhaps the boy on ‘The Bubble’ who let snails walk on his face be your comparison? I mean, if someone has already let snails walk on his face for TV, you might as well save yourself the bother.

    E, you are very brave. there is not a chance in hell I’d put snail crap anywhere near my face!

  • April 2, 2010

    Margaret

    Wow. I thought “snail gel” was just your little in-joke name for it. It is actually called snail gel. I think anything so very revolting MUST WORK. Can we have photos?

  • April 2, 2010

    Alex

    In the interests of science – should this slime not be applied to one buttock too?

  • April 2, 2010

    E

    Actually Alex, it’s supposed to be good for scarring. So I’m putting it on all of mine. I don’t have scarred buttocks though.

  • April 2, 2010

    Alex

    Ok. I just saw ‘face and body’ on the pot. Snail slime – ick, yuck, bleugh.

  • April 2, 2010

    Alison Cross

    Jeez, I misread this and thought we needed to have scared buttocks.

    Is it fresh scarring that it works on or does it help with old scarring? Anyone know?

    Ali x

  • April 2, 2010

    MAGMA

    This is all very well but what does it taste like?

  • April 2, 2010

    E

    It tastes disgusting. Like soap. And it is giving me spots and dry patches. NOW ARE YOU HAPPY????

  • May 6, 2010

    roo

    well ladies i have been using this for well over a week now,was squemish at first [im vegitarian..not that id be eating it ..but well you know ..snail slime !!!] anyway this stuff really works ,my face feels smoother [great for putting on under make up as fine lines dissapear, ] it tights the face and i have noticed a diffrence in my large and small/or should that be deep and light wrinkles] its great .and iv put it on scars and it does seem to be having an effect, i also fully recomend ,silicol gel to use as a face mask ,can be used on spots ect ..this also tights skin and helps with lots problems..hope tis helps…works for me and i have wasted money on so called wonder creams/gels …but this stuff has def worked for me will be buying another pot soon[oh by the way i used the one from holland and barret about £10. roo

  • May 17, 2010

    Abbie

    I really want to read more about this but am unable to click on the rest of it as I have a snail & those without shells PHOBIA(can’t even type their name it’s that bad). So anyway, my palpitations are slowing a bit now and I realise that of course I will never ever be able to smear *it* on my face. This is actually the first time I have been back to your website since you posted that ages ago and I saw the offending article slithering across my screen and ran around the house with a big pot of salt in a cold sweat – even though there are none here, where I live, which is one of the main reasons we moved here. I thought it would be safe to return to facegoop and it really is, I don’t know what I’m jabbering on about here but this is what happens when I encounter those things. Urgh, I feel sick. I’m going now. Thank you.
    Oh yes, that was what I was going to ask – how on earth did they find out about this, did they fall asleep in a bog? Are they trolls? Urgh. disgusting.

  • December 5, 2010

    Kash

    the snail gel is a truly TERRIBLE product! I’ve purchased it when it was on offer 50% off because the sell person highly recommended it. The worst that it meant to be all natural however contain METHYLPARABEN, PROPYLPARABEN and SODIUM LAURYL SULFATE, and after that has a cheek to state ‘hypo-allergen’, seriously?!?!?!?!

    The conclusion – DO NOT WASTE YOUR MONEY, on something that you just wouldn’t wait to wash off your face, because make is sticky and simply like its covered is guey gel.

  • December 5, 2010

    Kash

    the snail gel is a truly TERRIBLE product! I’ve purchased it when it was on offer 50% off because the sell person highly recommended it. The worst that it meant to be all natural however contain METHYLPARABEN, PROPYLPARABEN and SODIUM LAURYL SULFATE, and after that has a cheek to state ‘hypo-allergen’, seriously?!?!?!?!

    The conclusion – DO NOT BUY, on something that you just wouldn’t wait to wash off your face, because makes it is sticky and and dry (that would all the parabens).

    I H&B should remove this terrible product from the shelf!

  • March 24, 2011

    Nichola

    God, this review is hilarious. Thank you, thank you.

  • July 21, 2011

    Ali

    I like this gel mainly because it has made my eyelashes longer and stronger which is an extra

  • March 27, 2013

    andre wolf

    Can be purchased from: http://bit.ly/YUBOuR

  • January 7, 2014

    SoSnail

    Cool blog! Is your theme custom made or did you download it from somewhere?
    A theme like yours with a few simple tweeks would really make my blog shine.
    Please let me know where you got your design. Appreciate it

  • May 12, 2014

    more

    Hello, its nice article about media print, we all be aware of media
    is a wonderful source of data.

  • What a material of un-ambiguity and preserveness of valuable experience regarding unexpected feelings.

Leave a Reply