E: As promised, I have spent three days in the company of De Tuinen’s Chilean snail slime, made from unharmed, happy Helix Whatthefuck Snail.
M: Are you feeling sluggish? I know I am.
E: Ha. Very good M, I see what you did there. No, the gastropod gel did not have that effect on me. You will recall its promise of smooth silky skin and improved appearance of scarring? Well. I imagine it will come as no surprise to our readers to hear that it is ABSOLUTELY SHITE.
I can report the following effects:
1. Stubborn dry, irritated patch of skin on right cheek
2. Spots around mouth
M: That’s where you’ve been snogged by filthy boys. Filthy.
E: Hmph. Chance would be a fine thing. The closest I have got is being slimed on by a jar of snail mucous. Moving on.
3. Near death, as the jar of Snail Gel launched itself off the top of the fridge, aiming for my head.
M: Launched itself, extreeeeeemely slowly. In the manner of a snail.
E: No, M. The concentrated essence of gastropod moves alarmingly fast. I suspect an attack by the Snafia.
4. Mild irritation, cleaning gloopy slime off the floor.
M: Well, I must say I am disappointed. I thought the Chileans were on to something.
E: Well. It would appear they are onto something murderous, and crap.
M: They have rosehips, and llamas, how could things go so badly wrong with the snail gel?
E: Maybe if you have Chilean skin it works better?
M: Maybe. Maybe you need the high altitude and cheery personality to make it work. Living in Belgium, you have neither.
E: No. You are quite correct. However, I have learnt that my garden is home to a snail anvil, so all is not lost.
M: Oh god. What is a snail anvil?
E: Commenter Alison tells me it is a place where small, bastard birds smash snails open.
M: For snacking?
E: Yes. Oh! That reminds me. I also tasted the Snail Gel, because someone on twitter asked me to. It tasted horrid.
M: Now there’s a surprise.
E: Yes. Astonishing.
M: Honesty, you are a danger to yourself.Somebody needs to lock you in a empty room, with no internet access and no credit cards. You are grounded, E. BEAUTY grounded.
E: Why? Because of the tasting, or the breakage?
M: Why don’t you sit quietly in a corner and THINK about what you’ve done to your face. When you’re ready to apologize (to your face), you can come out again.
E: I HATE YOU AND I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN (you can’t see it, but I am flouncing now).
M: I WISH I WAS ADOPTED.
E: I AM ADOPTED AREN’T I? YOU AREN’T MY REAL PARENTS.
M: YOU STOLE MY PARENTS’ KIDNEYS. WHAT’S THE POINT IN LIVING ANYMORE?
E: YEAH. AND I NEED TWENTY QUID TO TOP UP MY PHONE. So. In conclusion: Snail Gel, even at half price, is a pile of evil mucous. The end.