Laura Mercier Secret Camouflage review

M: E, do you ever feel like you just want to hide from the world?

E: Almost always M. You and I have often discussed our desire for a snail shell to retreat into. Inside a cave. And the cave inside a hermetically sealed dark box. And the box in a flotation tank. In Panama.

M: But sometimes it’s not just possible. Sometimes, you have to make do with hiding your ugly mug from the world. And I believe you have something that does just the job.

E: Yes. You are quite correct. It does not (yet!) cover despair or agoraphobia, but it is excellent on blemishes, thread veins and other facial crappinesses. It is Laura Mercier’s Secret Camouflage.

The name makes it sound like Laura is conducting a stake out from a bush, with twigs and netting on her head. She isn’t (as far as I know).

M: Hmph. I like to think of her as wearing camouflage jumpsuits and killing deer.

E: No, M, she has been wearing a lab coat, and making genius make up, including this excellent concealer. Until I met Secret Camouflage, I thought concealer had to be a bit crap. Like, either it emphasised the spot you were trying to cover, or it just covered you in goopy crap that was worse than the spot.

M: Well, one review I read of this (because I have not yet bought into the LM cult, oh no siree) said that it was its “gummy texture” that was magic. Now, gummy texture does not fill me with much enthusiasm.

E: Gummy??? I think that person is lacking vocabulary. But it is certainly a lot harder and creamier than any other concealer I have used. You need to really bully it with the clever Laura Mercier Special brush to get it going.

M: Oh of course. Let me guess, the special brush is made from the tail of baby sugar gliders and cost 5 gazillion squids each.

E: I don’t remember how much the baby sugar glider brush cost. But I do know it is very good. So good, that when I lost it, I immediately bought another one. Of course, then I found the old one.

M: Of course. Are you trying to tell me, that the secret camouflage was HIDING? Oh the irony.

E: Yes. It was hiding. Very good, M.

M: Tsss. So, what about the two colours? Are they useful? I mean, I can barely cope with one colour. Two colours seems a lot like hard work.

E: Confession: I have only used one colour so far. You will recall that I have the deathly pallor of the long dead. The sun has not hit Belgium for seven hundred years. I hope that the other colour will be useful if I ever have more pigment in my skin than an albino mole rat.

M: Hmph. And is it really any good?

E: Well. Not only did I have to replace the brush INSTANTLY when I lost it, so addicted was I to its furry caress, but on the very rare occasions I find myself without my Secret Camouflage, I properly PANIC .

M: Hyperventilation?

E: Hyperventilation. Sweaty palms. Whimpering. Breathing into – and possibly wearing – a paper bag time. Along with Bobbi Brown gel eyeliner, it is the total essential I can’t live without. Basically: the colour is excellent for me (I have SC-2). It stays on brilliantly all day, and the coverage is perfect and really invisible. I love it. Oh, and also, I went on a photo shoot last month and the professional make up artist type person was using it. So there.

M: Any of that dried up cack around spots? Crusty bits?

E: Ew! No. It is a heavy creamy texture. No crusting or cack. And the brush also enables you to be super accurate. So I can cover the tiny burst vein on my left cheek without ending up with crap all over my face. We should say, it’s for blemishes, and not an under eye concealer. I don’t think the texture would work at all as an under-eye concealer.

M: I’m (almost) sold. How much will this military-grade camouflage goop set me back, E?

E: How the fuck should I know? Look it up. But I’m telling you, Laura Mercier can come and shoot deer in my yard any time she likes.

M: Secret Camouflage: It’s the sniper of concealers. Deadly. Precise. Merciless.

E: It’s deadly like Jack Bauer.

M: Ha, Jack Bauer is not deadly. He’s a bumbling idiot. Crashing into things and contracting deadly virii all over the place.

E: He could kill you with a tube of Eight Hour Cream in 5 seconds. FACT.

Laura Mercier Secret Camouflage, £25
Laura Mercier Secret Camouflage brush, £22

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M likes bright powders in tiny pots and anything that will make her hair more Jen Brill and less Shaun the Sheep.

12 Comments

  • April 22, 2010

    Alison Cross

    oooh I loooooove that picture of the baby glider things – they are soooo cute!

    This concealer sounds like the dogs bollocks and I am up for getting some.

    I tend to use a concealer that comes in a little lip-gloss looking tube, with a brush applicator. It might be GOSH that is the make. The problem with this is that it dries up quite quickly. So I’ve gone through 2 in about 6 months. I expect make up to last YEARS. Bugger the ‘sue by’ date.

    You guys should investigate whether there is some make up wholesaler somewhere that you can become associates of. Then when we use your associates link to BUY these products (I’ve bought snail gel and cellulite bashing moisturiser so far!) you will get a tiny cash kickback.

    Ali xxx

  • April 22, 2010

    Alison Cross

    Fuck. Of course – that SHOULD have said ‘use by’ date…..I wish there was some way to edit comments after I’ve made them ;-)

    Actually, maybe ‘sue by’ is more appropriate right enough.

    Ali x

  • April 22, 2010

    M

    Sue by is pretty accurate. Ali, we do use affiliate links as explained on the about page – the links above are to Space NK who give us a few pence if someone makes a purchase. Which is nice cause I need to pay for some coal and maybe some dry bread for my six children’s dinner.

  • April 22, 2010

    Lisa-Marie

    See, I need this. I appear to be having the spots I didn’t have as a teenager now, and I can’t work concealer usually.

    E, do I need make-up applying expertise for this? I am good at eyes, but no good at face stuff. I use tinted moisturiser because I am afraid of foundation.

    Any concealer i have used before have bee a lip gloss like affair, as with allison, and iIcan never get the right colour for my look like a ghost skin. You are about the same colour I am E, and it fills me with hope!

  • April 22, 2010

    Alison Cross

    Ah – I hadn’t appreciated that the links actually earned you some money. That’s good news. I shall purchase forthwith. I cannot afford to buy the brush at the moment. I will just have to go lumpy.

    I have spent more on beauty goop since reading this forum than I have in the past 12 months – But it’s bloody good fun!

    Ali x

  • April 22, 2010

    nita

    I was schmoosed (.?) into buying a Chanel 4 shade concealer palette. It was absolutely shite. Texture like putty. I’m wary of ‘em now. But if YOU say this is the dogs’, then I’ll trust you.

  • April 22, 2010

    Sally

    You are right: wonderful but NOT for the undereye. What is for the undereye (and is just as brilliant) is the Secret Concealer – much creamier and eye-compatible, but still magical concealing powers. What I have is this – http://www.spacenk.co.uk/product/shop+by+brand/laura+mercier/200003187+undercover+pots.do – BOTH in one pot. AMAZING.

  • April 22, 2010

    E

    Ali, You definitely need some kind of brush, or maybe a cotton bud, or SOMETHING. Fingers wouldn’t work. Also, thank you. You are lovely. When the lizard overlords come, we will let you into our secret bunker.

  • April 22, 2010

    Nellig

    As usual, you cut to the heart of the problem with surgical precision. “No crusting or cack”. That’s what we need to know. Laura Mercier should use that as the strapline in her ads.

    (Oh! Where was Ms Mercier in my pizza-faced teenage years? Mary Quant Starkers was as good as it got back then.)

  • April 22, 2010

    Magpie

    Argh! I love this stuff. I was persuaded to buy it by a very very camp young man at the LM concession in John Lewis, who told me I didn’t need foundation just this. And he put it on me and it was amazing. And I used it religiously until I bought the LM mineral powder foundation after reading about it here and on India Knight’s blog and now I don’ actually need concealer because that powder is actually made of crushed magic or fairy dust (or possibly crushed fairies). I bought mine from the counter in Liberty, where the woman is a bit unintentionally scary which is what you want really when you’re spending silly money on face goop.
    But anyway, the mineral powder has been life-changing in a very small way, so thank you.

    p.s. I blend both colours together using the baby sugar glider brush to get the right colours for different bits of my face.

  • April 23, 2010

    Lucy Waters

    Ali – I loved that you typed ‘sue by’ – gave me a real laugh! Lucy

  • [...] The problem is, of course, that I wanted to compare it to Laura Mercier’s nuclear-grade secret camouflage so I went out and bought some. Because I had to compare, you see? I just had [...]

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