Face Goop

Harper’s Beauty Playground

E: M, you are going to be so proud of me.

M: I’ll be the judge of that.

E: Yes. I have been to a Beauty Evening for research. And not just because there were free drinks.

M: Right. I am not impressed yet.

E: Well, it was run by Harper’s Bazaar, and you could get makeovers from make up artistes. And Newby Hands, the beauty director at Harper’s gave a talk and said that Fred from Armani was THE BEST. She said that she didn’t want all the shiny pretty laydeez fighting over getting a makeover from him but that he was amazing and they should try. Guess who was FIRST?

M: YOU.

E: YES. ME ME ME.

M: Did you shove everyone out of the way? Did you kick shins?

E: My elbows are steel tipped.

M: Was there blood?

E: Ssssssh. We don’t talk about that.

M: High five!

E: High GBH five.

M: And? How was Fred? Is he a space lizard?

E: Yes. A tiny French space lizard. A space gecko. He said their new lipstick was better than Mr Ford’s.

M: A talking tiny french space lizard would not lie.

E: No. Then he put tonnes of blush on me.

M: Was it nice blush?

E: Yes, actually, you get two shades in one compact, a browny and a pinky and he did amazing cheekbone conjuring and contouring tricks with them, look:

M: Nice.

E: Then he he put some taupe shadow worthy of a cast member in Grey’s Anatomy on me, and a nude magic lipstick. He showed me the red and it looked awesome, but it gave me a funny turn, what with my Morbid Lip Colour Phobia.

M: PUSSY. Your lips deserve better than nude. What else? Tell me more.

E: Well, there were six rooms with different brands doing stuff. But instead of rooms, Harper’s Bazaar called them ‘beauty playgrounds’. There were no slides though. Or swings or an ice cream van.

M: Ha, playgrounds. Was it like the Tellytubbies playground? Except that freaky baby face sun had MR ARMANI instead, glaring at you coldly. And judging. JUDGING.

E: Wordlessly. Liplessly. I would totally watch Armani tellytubbies.

M: What would that be like? The mind boggles. There wouldn’t be nice grassy hills. It would all be sleek. And black. And perfectly flat.

E: Matte. And Celine the terrifying space lizard from Printemps Beauté would do educational things with her tail. She could be the Noo-Noo! I don’t think it sounds very suitable for preschoolers. ANYWAY. It was not matte black. It was kind of of taupe and full of beautiful, amazonian women. I felt like a hobbit.

M: A hobbit with sculpted cheekbones though.

E: I suppose. Newby Hands gave a talk. She said:

1. Diorskin Nude foundation was brilliant

2. That YSL do the most genius gel eye mask ever; and

3. That Dolce & Gabbana did excellent nude shades.

Wow, this is like lecture notes. I am the sad, lecture note beauty geek.

M: I’ve been testing the Dior Nude foundation. I am almost ready to buy it.

E: Do. She says it’s brilliant, on the cusp of skincare and makeup AND it makes you a better person and five inches taller. She was like this amazing, glowing uber-mensch, so I trust her.

M: I could be a better person. I could totally be a better person. I could be that girl, in the ads, with the pouffy pink dress and bicycle and flowery hat. Her:

E: With Dior you could. You would be good at that, you’re already a bike perv.

M: Continue. What else?

E: Well, the Bare Escentuals ladies were there swirling and buffing and they had tiny cupcakes.

M: Were they swirling and buffing the cupcakes?

E: Yes, swirl buff swirl buff.

M: That’s weird, man. Onto their FACES?

E: Ok, I lied. But they had swirled icing.

M: WHAT ELSE.

E: Well, Armani had chocolates.

M: Dude, I’m sorry, but I don’t give a shit about the food. I’m here about the STUFF. Gimme my wholesome Harper’s beauty crack.

E: Ah, sorry. Well, Lancôme have magical mascara that makes your EYELASHES GROW SO FAST YOU CAN PLAIT THEM.

M: Yeah, I don’t believe in that.

E: It no longer changes the colour of your eyes which hello? FREAKY.

M: I don’t know, different coloured eyes are sexy. Like, one yellow, one purple. HAWT.

E: Good if you’re in a witness protection program. You could have different coloured eyes and grow an eyelash curtain to hide behind.

M: I got one of those. With the Topshop mascara.

E: We will learn all about that in the forthcoming Epic Mascara Post.

YSL Top Secrets Instant Eye Wake-up Patches, £32
Diorskin Nude foundation, £29
Giorgio Armani Blending Blush duos