Update: Crème de la mer vs. cheapo moisturizer

E: Goop morning, M. Today is an exciting day for science!

M: Uh oh. I’ll go fetch my lab coat.

E: Please do, there may be splashes. Get your safety goggles too.

M: Ok, go on then.

E: Well. You may recall that I was conducting an important scientific experiment for Facegoop.

M: What were you doing again? Eating slugs? Slugs coated in Coenzyme Q10?

E: Nope. No slugs, no snails, no product eating. Though now you mention it, I should have tasted them. I have been derelict in my duties. No matter.
You will recall that I was comparing Gel de la Mer, made out of unfeasibly expensive cashmere jellyfishes and £5 L’Oréal supermarket moisturiser.

M: On two halves of your face. Like Two-face from Batman. But CRAZY.

E: Precisely. So. I kept the experiment up for a week, with only minimal left/right confusion.

M: And by minimal, you mean drunken.

E: Ssssssh. Then, because I am all about the science, I decided to ask random members of the public (well, ones I know) to guess which side was which.

M: Interesting. I’m sure there is a scientific name for this observation methodology.

E: You may be right. What might it be? Randomised double blind control testing?

M: “Uncontrolled and unreliable”. But do go on.

E: Well. The results were SHOCKING. Do you have your goggles on?

M: If you want.

E: Every single person (about, er, eight) I asked CORRECTLY IDENTIFIED THE GEL DE LA MER SIDE.

“This side looks much better” said my friend Tara “it’s visibly different”.

“You pointed at the right side when you said Crème de la Mer” said my friend Tamara. We will gloss over that.

M: What did she mean by visibly?

E: Fresher. Plumper. More baby seal-like.

M: Furry? Vulnerable? A little bit too demanding?

E: Probably, with a huge liquid eye. Yes.

M: Well let’s see some photographical evidence, Two-Face.

E: Erm. I have some photos but I don’t think you can actually see the difference on them. However, you can see an amusing photo of me with a line down the middle of my face and another where I am holding a small cut out of Gordon Brown on the losing side, and, mysteriously, a small cut out of Kirsten Davies on the winning side. I hope that is helpful to our readers.


E: I fear, M, it may mean that Gel de la Mer is better than £5 moisturiser. This is not the result I hoped for. Bugger; I am going to have to become a sex worker to pay for Gel de la Mer now, aren’t I?

M: What do you mean, become? A hardi har har.

E: Oh, very good. Hardiharharharhar. Truthfully, I thought the Gel side was a little plumper and less craggy. But is it significant enough for me to want to pay ££££££££ for it? I doubt it.

M: How long will the pot last you? Have you been putting it on your whole face?

E: Yes, since the Shocking Trial Results, I have taken to using it all over my face.The pot will last quite a while. You only need a teeny bit or else it gives you spots.

M: Ha. They should put that in the brochure.

E: So in conclusion, I am saddened to announce that Gel de la Mer outperforms £5 L’Oréal moisturizer. Sorry, everyone.

M: God damn you, Crème de la Mer.

Related Posts with Thumbnails

M likes bright powders in tiny pots and anything that will make her hair more Jen Brill and less Shaun the Sheep.


  • May 29, 2010

    Mariah Carey

    I am loving the pics of you with the teeny-tiny cut-out heads. I used to send tear-soaked letters to former boyfriends, cutting out letters from magazine headlines (and heads) to illustrate my deepest celebrity feelings.

  • May 29, 2010


    Oh man… that IS a (sort of) disappointment. Only sort of one, though, because as much as I love a story in which the underdog wins, L’Oréal are hardly underdogs, right? They are just not nice at all and all full of “because I’m worth it” crap and buying out all other smaller cosmetics companies. Gah. I hate them.
    So although Crème/Gel/Elixir/Extrait de méduse/Whatever de la Mer are still shockingly expensive, I am kind of glad that they won in this… highly scientific test that you, E, kindly conducted in the interest of us, Goop devotees.
    I would love, LOVE, some sound advice re. eye creams/gels, because this morning, when I went into a Space NK to enquire about a blemish concealer, the “lovely” assistant piped “well, this is OK, but not v. useful for the under-eye area”, when I had said NOTHING about concealing anything around my eyes. I nearly wept, but then thought that might worsen the problem. Waaaaaaahhhh. Which eye cream/gel (or failing that, concealer), Goop Gurus? Clarins any good?

  • May 29, 2010


    Ooh, I have a HOT TIP regarding dark circles and big puffy eyebags, both of which I have in plenty — though some of it is just heredity and to be concealed as best you can, I have finally learned that some of it is often down to allergies. The application of daily doses of loratadine (aka Claritin) and occasional antihistamine eyedrops has improved the appearance of my eye area significantly. Not that I do not still have use for cream and concealer too, mind you, because my eyes are truly ridiculous. But now I don’t start out by looking like someone has punched me in the face. Hooray!

  • May 30, 2010

    Grace London

    Bwhahahaha at the pictures with the cutouts. I do think that expensive face creams give a better result on my skin – I swear by Chantecaille Face Firming spf 30.

    To Soleils – I have naturally dry skin under my eyes with dark circles (my kid thinks 6am is a lie-in.) I swear by Sarah Chapman eye cream and rms Beauty concealer, which does not look clergy on the skin.

  • May 30, 2010

    Grace London

    That should have been ‘claggy’ not clergy – bloody autocorrect.

  • May 30, 2010


    Redfox, Grace London, thank you for the tips – much appreciated, I need all the help I can get at this point. Chantecaille, yes, I can imagine that is good. I only tried a sort of super light creamy compact thingie by them and thought it was simply amazing. Wish I could remember what it was.
    After some thorough “research” last night, I came across something called “Elite eye serum” which apparently is the dog’s b*****s. Check it out. After seeing my truly pathetic face this morning (my kids are up and literally running at 6 a.m. every bloody day… it is so wroooong – so lack of sleep is really more my problem than anything else), I was very tempted to shell out the 45 squid to purchase the miracle potion this is touted to be. Anyone heard of this? It is a US product and really rated by many puffy and wrinkly-eyed poor sods.
    E., the more I see the pics above the more I think you’re a genius.

  • May 30, 2010

    Alison Cross

    Redfox – thanks for the tip re eyebags!

    Em – which tasted better – the cheap stuff or the expensive stuff?

    Secondly – I think the Creme de Menthe side looks better too, but that might just be the lighting or the Kirsten Davies picture. Let’s face it, Gordon Brown doesn’t make anything look good.

    Soleils – I’d say, only shell out on the creme if you know someone who has used it and can personally recommend it. I got ‘done’ by a lovely chap in a well-known Glasgow store for £45 on an eye cream last weekend. Needless to say, no-one thinks that there is any difference in my under-eye bags.

    Ali x

  • June 1, 2010

    DINKY London

    I adore Gel de la Mer – I used it once for a review (press sample), fell madly in love and have never used it since. My bank won’t allow it.

    I cry.

  • June 4, 2010


    Goop Gurus. Genius, not just because it aliteratively describes you accurately but also because it sounds like the French for werewolf – loup garrou, fact fans.

  • […] Well, I once drew a line down the middle of my face and used Crème de la Mer on one half, and Nivea on the […]

  • […] Sign me up! They take an irreverent look at beauty products – and when I say irreverent, check this out. These are my kind of […]

  • June 5, 2013


    You can buy the active ingredient sea kelp broth from Skinactives. Use it as a serum or to boost your fav moisturiser.

Leave a Reply