DiamondTome microdermabrasion review

M: I fear I’ve been suckered into a cult, E. The cult of… what? Vanity? Old age? Smooth face? Unnecessary cosmetic procedures?

E: Oh no. NO. Next time I see you you will be a frozen faced Nicole Kidman-alikey. Do I need to send the deprogrammer in?

M: Yes. I will in fact be wearing Nicole’s face, like a balaclava. Do not worry. I am not a scientologist.

E: Hmmm. Tell me more.

M: Due to temporary insanity, I have booked myself in for a course of six microdermabrasion sessions. They have a magical name: DIAMOND TOME.

E: DIAMOND TOME. WOW. I can see how you got sucked in. That sounds… SHINY. Are you shiny?

M: Their motto? “Beauty is only skin deep”.

E: Do you sparkle like a 4ct very very clear baguette cut? Or something?

M: I’m not sure what that even means, but yes, I am shiny. So shiny and smooth my boyfriend has remarked on the clarity of my complexion. WITHOUT PROMPTING.

E: Whoa! You need to tell me how they did that. It sounds amazing.

M: Well, imagine if someone had a tiny Dyson, made of diamonds, and used the precision attachment on your FACE. That’s what it feels like. A sort of hoovering scrubbing action.

E: That sounds scratchy. Was it scratchy?

M: No, not scratchy and certainly not painful.

E: Didn’t your face go all angry monkey?

M: No. Afterwards it felt a bit raw, but not red. It was also unbelievably plump and smoothed out.

E: Wow. How long did it take?

M: 30 minutes. After that I had a lamb kebab. I’m all about the class. The thing is, I LOVE it. It’s been days now and my face is so much better. Makeup goes on smoothly. There’s been one angry spot but no other ill effects.

E: Wow. I am in serious danger of joining your cult. As you may have noticed by now, Facegoopers, M is not easily impressed.

M: Also, the perky snake-tongued facialist talked me into buying some product.

E: What product? Diamond paste?

M: Dude, this is hardcore medical grade thermo-nuclear skin care business. Actually, I’ve never heard of it before. It’s Priori bioengineered skincare. It’s made by people in lab coats.

E: Those hazmat suits, probably. “Bioengineered”. What does that MEAN exactly? Engineered by humans? And not by space lizards made of unobtainium?

M: I have the face wash, and the barrier repair complex cream. Both have LCA COMPLEX in them. You know how I love me some lactic acid. And Advanced AHAs. These are AHAs who have postgraduate degrees.

E: AHA PhD.

M: Their website is funny.

E: “Idebenome superceuticals”. Even for a cosmetics bollocks term, that is pretty special. And look! “The triathlon of skin fitness”! Wow. my skin can’t even run the 100 metres. It gets a stitch halfway.

M: It is bollocks, isn’t it.

E: Sssssssssssshhh. We believe in superceuticals, M, like demented single ladies of a certain age who wear a lot of chiffon believe in fairies. We’re doing noone any harm. Except HSBC and they can fuck off. So to summarise: you have joined a cult, but you are HAPPY, SO HAPPY.

M: Yes. I am happy. I will take photos after every session, and report back at the end. I’m hoping I will look like a nubile teenager.

E: Well, I am properly excited by this. I suspect HSBC aren’t.

M: HSBC can go fuck themselves.

E: Amen.

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M likes bright powders in tiny pots and anything that will make her hair more Jen Brill and less Shaun the Sheep.

22 Comments

  • June 22, 2010

    Anna

    Oooh, I was waiting for this since spying a reference to microdermabrasion in your Domestic Sluttery interview;-)
    Glad you are happy with the results (photos please).

  • June 22, 2010

    Nellig

    Crumbs, this is all getting a bit out of hand. Recent prettiness levels are off the scale, judging by the recent photo with green eyeshadow BEFORE dermabrasion.

    Little trails of flowers and bunnies are appearing in the air as M walks by, and grown men are falling off their bicycles. Where will it end?

    Tsk, must go: the fairies are tugging at my chiffon again.

  • June 22, 2010

    E

    It’s ok Nellig. I look more like a badger’s arse with each day that passes. I am keeping the flag flying for crapness.

  • June 22, 2010

    Alison Cross

    oooooh this sounds VERY interesting! It sounds a bit rough, yet did not bring out Em’s face into baboon-arse territory.

    What is the fiscal punishment for finding such a brilliant skin thing? Is it mega-bucks?

    I know, I could click on the linky-thing, but then I’d need to start typing from the beginning and I’ve been typing all day *gets weepy* and I STILL lost all my fucking hyperlinks when I pdf’d the newsletter *full-blown howling snotfest now*

    So, please, just tell me – what’s the £amage?!

    Ali xx

  • June 22, 2010

    M

    Shhhhh Ali. I am still feeling too guilty about it to reveal the amount on this very public forum. I’ll email you.

  • June 22, 2010

    M

    Nellig, it will end exactly where that Irn Bru advert with the cutsie animated animals ends: in pork-product based tragedy.

  • June 22, 2010

    Lisa-Marie

    M, you already look like a nubile teenager.

    I want this though. I have been considering it for quite some time.

  • June 22, 2010

    M

    Lisa-Marie – PAH! I bought a whole bottle of Pimm’s the other day at Somerfield and they did not even ask for my ID. Don’t trust photos you see on the interwebs. Mine are carefully chosen to minimize the SCARS.

  • June 23, 2010

    Grace London

    I want my skin to do yoga! Curse you for the Priori website link – don’t you know I am a hopeless skincare junkie?

  • June 23, 2010

    Modesty Brown

    Ah, completely bollocks made-up-it-as science names yet I want to believe!! This will certainly be outside of my ‘Champagne taste, ASDA smart price cider money’ budget. With imaginary names like that it must be expensive.

  • June 23, 2010

    M

    I don’t actually know how much anything cost. It wasn’t itemized!
    (sob)

  • June 23, 2010

    Modesty Brown

    If you have to ask, you can’t afford. That’s what my Mum always told me ;)

  • June 23, 2010

    Charli

    Surely if theres no price it means its freeeeeeee?

    No? Whoops…

  • June 23, 2010

    Rebecca

    I’ve had a few courses of microdermabrasion (£££) at sk:n in Edinburgh and apart from making me a bit pink for a day or two it didn’t touch my horrible adult acne and scarring. Did they use some imposter machine on me? Oh I also paid for the added products, but they turned my skin actual orange and flaky! Beware!

  • June 24, 2010

    Alison Cross

    Modesty Brown – you are so right! I cannot afford :-) However, always looking for ways to spend my Big Lottery Win when it comes along.

    Ali xxxx

  • June 26, 2010

    Mariah Carey

    I love, love, love the picture of the molecule with the butterfly wing. It’s like science plus nature. Do they sell those? Mariah wants one, made of diamonds, for a necklace. And Mariah gets what Mariah wants, otherwise Mariah totally comes round your apartment and shatters the windows using her awesome 5 octave voice. Where do these butterfly scientists live?

  • June 26, 2010

    E

    Switzerland, Mariah. It’s in Yurp. You’ll need to charter a Kittten Airways jet.

  • June 29, 2010

    Lisa-Marie

    M, they only didn’t ID you because you bought Pimm’s. Everyone knows it’s a grown up drink! If you’d bought WKD or Lambrini, I’m sure they would have. I’ve found also that if you buy wine that’s more than £5 a bottle, they automatically assume you are a grown up.

    Ali, if I win the lottery or husband becomes a rock star/Nobel prize winning scientist, you can have all the microdermabrasion you want. :)

  • June 29, 2010

    Alison Cross

    LM – Are you sure? I wants quite a lot. And I probably needs nice shoes too…… Ta. Not made jam yet btw. You might just end up with a bag of gooseberries and 2 lbs of sugar next week lol!

    Ali x

  • […] OH GOD.You’ve been back to the diamond hoover, haven’t […]

  • March 18, 2011

    Harold

    Great post. Its very interesting.

  • […] E: Do you want to get clean, M? Do you wish to get back the baby soft feeling of when you were hoovered with diamonds? […]

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