E: Oh jesus THERE you are! Where the hell have you been?
M: I’m in Singapore.
E: Hmph. I am not happy about this. Come back this instant, it’s not funny.
M: No. But! An intercontinental move is an excellent excuse not to have written anything on facegoop, isn’t it?
E: Oh yeah. That’s true. Ok, fair enough. You can stay, but I want all the giant shrimp I can eat.
M: I have better than giant shrimp, E. Way, way better.
E: Oh? What could possibly be better than giant shrimp??
M: I think we both knew, when I said I’d be moving here, that there would be some amazing gooping opportunities. I mean, the Asians, right? They love themselves some crazy ass shit.
E: Hell yes. So have you been investigating?
M: Well, I’ve only been here 2 days, and i’ve already had the top of my head in an alien contraption
E: AHAHHAHHAHA. What in the name of holy fuck? You look like an old lady getting a blue rinse. Look at your pouty little face. You don’t look impressed.
M: No, I was not. One minute I was asking for a fringe trim, the next I was coughing up £50 for what? Having my hair steamed, like a particularly unappealing dim sum.
E: Ha. Hair dumpling. Was it, um, effective?
M: There was definite loss in translation. I look a bit like a badger. Speaking of animals, can I introduce you to my friends, the seal and crocodile of concealers?
I don’t know about you, E, but sometimes I wake up in the morning and think “Man. I really look like a walrus today. A grumpy walrus.”
E: Yes I often think that. More a naked mole rat in my case, but whatevs. So, are you more of a pissed off crocodile or a happy seal?
M: This is just the product for us. I’m not sure what it does, but it makes seal faces less sore. That’s got to be a good thing.
E: That seal looks smug.
M: Seals always look smug. Shiny smooth bastards.
E: Maybe the crocodile one is to make you less scaly?
M: Maybe, maybe. the thing is, E, we will never know. The packaging is mysteriously cryptic. Below the zoo of concealers, there was a very nice array of pore cleansers. A whole stack of them.
E: Are those .. BABIES??? Thousands and thousands of babies????
M: Ssssh. You can’t see the products properly, so, let me annotate:
Top left hand corner “Black head off stick”. Straight, to the point.
E: Yup. No messing around there.
M: Moving clockwise: Pore Peeling Tsururi. What the hell is a tsururi?
E: It sounds painful. I don’t like the sound of it.
M: To the right of that, the PORE VACUUMER, complete with Charlie’s Angels, with vacuums.
E: WHOA I am actually quite scared. I will commit tsururi.
M: Please don’t commit tsururi. It would make such a mess. A pore mess.
E: But Charlie’s Angels can clear it up with the vacuumer!
M: Do we need to talk about the babies?
E: YES, M. YES WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE BABIES.
M: I’m not sure we do, but OK. How do you think it works? Do the babies lick the dirty pores off your face?
E: EEEEW. Give me the vacuuming tsusuri anyday.
M: They’re selling us baby smooth skin, I believe. Probably made from the skin of actual babies.
E: Gross. What’s next???
M: Bird’s nest and rice bran. Sounds a bit like muesli, doesn’t it.
E: Yeah. I bet it’s like the nightingale poo facial thing but cheaper. Nightingale nest (contains trace elements of poo)!
M: It’s whitening. Is bird poo whitening?
E: Almost certainly. I bet it’s great for constipation too with all those twigs and bran.
M: Look, it comes with a creepy face mask too. There’s a creepy face mask icon in the top right hand corner.
E: OH GOD that’s really really frightening. Please can you wear one for us????
M: Maybe. I’m not sure I want birds anywhere near my face. Because, and I am not making this up, but today I saw two birds fighting, two small blackbirds. And one of them PECKED THE OTHER ONE TO DEATH.
E: M, I did NOT need to do that.
M: Gruesome. I’ll tell you what, though. Singapore ladies have some proper things to worry about. Look!
Do we worry about our vajayjays being too big? NO. Do we have to endure intercontinental travel to get a husband? NO. Do we worry about how much money we give our parents every month? HELLZ NO.
E: Hmm. Maybe they could steam your vajajay smaller? With that head contraption?
M: Maybe, E, maybe. Let’s find out.(and my vajayjay is plenty small, thankyouverymuch)
E: Ah, it’s good to be back.