E: So, M. You know I am always on the look out for any kind of bathing product that comes close to the majesty of Elemis Supersoak?
M: Ahahahhahah fat chance.
E: That ideally also trims 2 inches off my thighs?
M: Right. You are looking for a fairy godmother? In bubble bath form?
E: Yes, basically. I like a challenge. So I was in Heathrow and I saw this stuff.
“Thalgo Micronised Marine Algae”
M: Is it dead sea salts? It’s always Dead Sea salts. The Dead Sea must be a sodium free zone by now.
E: NO. This is different. It looked …. medical and magical and it had the word “minceur” on the packet, so I got it.
M: Right. Did the ingredients list “Powdered unicorn?”
E: I think it’s actually “powdered corpse of rotting cormorant”, because holy mother of pokemon this stuff STINKS. It’s like bathing in seagull sick. it’s like bathing in guano. Bathing in the decomposing corpses of seabirds.
M: Ha. I’m pretty sure “rotting cormorant” is a Pokemon. Mmm, appealing.
E: It doesn’t smell pleasantly marine, M. Also, you will see from the photos how beautiful it looks when added to water. Is it not lovely?
M: Is that a giant shit covered aniseed in the bath?
E: I believe that is a globule of micronised algae.
M: Oh, no, it’s a dragon. This is the worst bath product I have ever experienced. It’s making me hallucinate.
E: Yes. And I don’t mind a bit of bath masochism and I love a bit of hardcore thalasso freakery. But seriously? When you’re lying in two inches of watery shit, you do question your life choices.
M: It looks like something that escaped from the Lush Laboratories, the nefarious place where they do all their R&D. And when it goes wrong, what do they do? Sell it in Heathrow.
E: Yes. That is definitely what happened. WHERE DID I GO WRONG???
M: Well, you were unfaithful to the Elemis, for starters.
E: I am never going to do that again.
M: Bubble bath hath no fury like an Elemis scorned.
E: I am sorry, Elemis. Don’t make me swim in seal poo again.
M: Secondly, it’s a well known fact that the only thing one should buy in an airport is Duty Free Chanel. Anything else is a mistake you will bitterly regret.
E: Do you agree Facegoopers? What are your favorite airport buys and have you ever ended up swimming in seal poo?