Thalgo Micronised Marine Algae review

E: So, M. You know I am always on the look out for any kind of bathing product that comes close to the majesty of Elemis Supersoak?

M: Ahahahhahah fat chance.

E: That ideally also trims 2 inches off my thighs?

M: Right. You are looking for a fairy godmother? In bubble bath form?

E: Yes, basically. I like a challenge. So I was in Heathrow and I saw this stuff.

“Thalgo Micronised Marine Algae”

M: Is it dead sea salts? It’s always Dead Sea salts. The Dead Sea must be a sodium free zone by now.

E: NO. This is different. It looked …. medical and magical and it had the word “minceur” on the packet, so I got it.

M: Right. Did the ingredients list “Powdered unicorn?”

E: I think it’s actually “powdered corpse of rotting cormorant”, because holy mother of pokemon this stuff STINKS. It’s like bathing in seagull sick. it’s like bathing in guano. Bathing in the decomposing corpses of seabirds.

M: Ha. I’m pretty sure “rotting cormorant” is a Pokemon. Mmm, appealing.

E: It doesn’t smell pleasantly marine, M. Also, you will see from the photos how beautiful it looks when added to water. Is it not lovely?

M: Is that a giant shit covered aniseed in the bath?

E: I believe that is a globule of micronised algae.

M: Oh, no, it’s a dragon. This is the worst bath product I have ever experienced. It’s making me hallucinate.

E: Yes. And I don’t mind a bit of bath masochism and I love a bit of hardcore thalasso freakery. But seriously? When you’re lying in two inches of watery shit, you do question your life choices.

M: It looks like something that escaped from the Lush Laboratories, the nefarious place where they do all their R&D. And when it goes wrong, what do they do? Sell it in Heathrow.

E: Yes. That is definitely what happened. WHERE DID I GO WRONG???

M: Well, you were unfaithful to the Elemis, for starters.

E: I am never going to do that again.

M: Bubble bath hath no fury like an Elemis scorned.

E: I am sorry, Elemis. Don’t make me swim in seal poo again.

M: Secondly, it’s a well known fact that the only thing one should buy in an airport is Duty Free Chanel. Anything else is a mistake you will bitterly regret.

E: Do you agree Facegoopers? What are your favorite airport buys and have you ever ended up swimming in seal poo?

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M likes bright powders in tiny pots and anything that will make her hair more Jen Brill and less Shaun the Sheep.

25 Comments

  • February 2, 2011

    eRiN

    My momentary overwhelming joy at having a new Facegoop post to read was immediately ruined by the picture of what appears to be either diarrhea or possibly vomited-up Indian food in a bathtub … oh, how I’ve missed you, ‘goopers.

  • February 2, 2011

    Nellig

    Wow, I’m impressed. That was worth waiting all these months for.

    Did it block the plughole? And is that thing actually a Pokemon?

  • February 2, 2011

    Musing on Beauty

    Oh Dear. OH DEAR!
    I can’t distinguish what’s that thing in the bath on the upper part of the picture but looks like it might be the rotten cormoran itself :-s

  • February 2, 2011

    Moggle

    Is alcohol considered an acceptable duty-free purchase?

  • February 2, 2011

    curlywurlyfi

    Holy mer de merde. That is evil.

    The only thing to buy Duty Free at airports is, as any fule kno, Guerlain’s Midnight Secret. Smells of roses + gives you the skin of a 17 year old overnight, but costs more than dinner at Heston Blumenthal’s.

  • February 2, 2011

    Laurel

    Oh my. I am envisioning what happens if you actually get in the bath. Shudder.

    To make us all feel better, and for comparison’s sake, I think you owe us a photo of a bath filled with Elemis. It may be the closest I ever get to an Elemis bath, anyway.

  • February 2, 2011

    Esme

    A few years ago we had backflow coming up through the bath. We took photos to show our UHA (usless housing association) as they wouldn’t do anything about it. Our photos and yours are very similiar.

  • February 2, 2011

    Bryony

    Chanel and Midnight Secret are indeed only products worth buying dutyfree. Chanel also has possibility of discontinued stuff (Pirate nail polish anyone?). I was once discovered rifling through their drawers at 5am (for a friend you understand).

  • February 2, 2011

    Alison Cross

    I have been weeping *points to eyes* LOOK AT THE STATE OF ME. Eyes like pissholes in the snow. You have been away tooooooo long!!!!

    This is surely the Mother of All Terrible Bathtime products. Fucke, I’ve even bathed in local seaweed and the bath looked more enticing than this.

    I am not ever anywhere near airports, unless I’m going Glasgow to Birmingham. In which case my worst ever airport buy has got to be The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

    Never leave us AGAIN.

    AX

  • February 2, 2011

    Alison Cross

    Sorry about the use of the olde-Englishe spelling of fuck btw. Only spotted that after I’d posted. Imagine spelling my sweary word wrong *rolls eyes*

    AX

  • February 2, 2011

    Grace London

    I bet it was a complete pain in the arse to clean the bath afterwards too.

    Oh, how I’ve missed you.

    …and yes, Chanel at Duty Free. Always.

  • February 2, 2011

    E

    Aw. We love you. We’re so happy to be back. More coming.

    Clean the bath, Grace? Bwahahahahhaa. If you leave it long enough it rubs off on a child, or the dog, I find. That dragon’s been in there for months and I barely notice it any more.

  • February 2, 2011

    Leila

    So happy you’re back — there was a time there I thought I’d never experience the joy of a new facegoop post again!

  • February 3, 2011

    Mrs Cantona

    I only just discovered you and then you leave it MONTHS to post again???

    BTW – only thing to buy at Airports is Gin, Fags, No.2 Touche Eclat (difficult to get anywhere else) and Gin.

  • February 3, 2011

    Rachy

    You shat …in the bath.

  • February 4, 2011

    Julie

    Kind of want to leave the above post as the last one as a beautifully put full stop. But I’m not gonna.
    Where have you beeeeeeen? You were hugely missed! Stop having lives and get back to buying overpriced crap so we can laugh at it please.
    Agree with Chanel and Midnight Secret at airports. Plus, a mysteriously named perfume in an exotic looking bottle, on the way home, which, after one spray post holiday comedown you throw out. It doesn’t smell exotic, it smells like 1989 and old ladies.
    Everytime.

  • February 6, 2011

    Dara

    Did you have to take a silkwood shower to remove the toxic residue from your body?

  • February 7, 2011

    Aspasie

    …just ew :(

  • February 11, 2011

    Margaret

    Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. You didn’t get in there with it, did you? That is truly, truly horrifying.

  • February 28, 2011

    Blighty

    Just discovered your blog through Ali (Hestia’s Larder) and I love it! Humour plus beauty products – a rare and exquisite combo. Count me in as a follower.

  • March 1, 2011

    M

    Awww, thank you Blighty. Welcome on board the crazy train.

  • March 5, 2011

    Tropically challenged (skinwise)

    Dunno about duty-free ‘purchases’, I go with a scrubbed face and b-line it to La Mer or Prairie for a 50 quid scoop of the most expensive cream I can get my mits on before the scary staff start accosting me. If my arse has to endure economy, then my face is bloody well going 1st class!

  • April 4, 2011

    Bella Ozfemme

    2 inches off thighs…it must contain tiny micro piranha fish bead type thingoes……

  • […] I decided to test the Thalgo Micronised Marine Algae bath again. You will be reassured to know that it still looks like powdered poo and smells unearthly terrible. […]

  • […] I decided to test the Thalgo Micronised Marine Algae bath again. You will be reassured to know that it still looks like powdered poo and smells unearthly terrible. […]

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