Face Goop

Paul & Joe cat lipsticks

E: Now that we’re back, M, I think we should start as we mean to go on: by complaining. Because I really need to complain about this Paul & Joe kitten shaped lipstick business.

M: Look at that smug little bastard.. What the fuck is that all about? I tried some on. It was chalky.

E: Chalky is the least of its problems. What, exactly, the fuck, Paul & Joe? Imagine, if you will, the brainstorming session.

“What do women want?” “This research suggests they want wage parity, innovative solutions to work life balance, less objectification of the female form in public discourse, and .. kittens”.

“Kittens! Yes, that’s it! I’m getting an idea!”

M: I do not want to rub a cat all over my lips. Cats would totally scratch your lips. And now there’s a blusher too?!?

E: No right-thinking person wants to rub a cat over their lips. Maybe mad people who buy their cats organic chicken Marks & Spencer mini-fillets. I had a neighbour who did that. She also claimed that her cat, Bambi, “could tell the difference between Tesco and Harrods milk”. I mean, at least make PONY lipstick. Or dugong lipstick.

M: Dugong shaped might be a little, how shall I put it, phallic.

E: God, this lipstick talk reminds me that I heard a discussion on Belgian radio last week about those irritant lip plumpers and I SWEAR to you I did not dream this but the man suggested you could use loft insulation as a cheap alternative.

M: OH MY GOD The fibre glass shit?

E: Yup. I think Belgium has been drinking heavily.

M: Welcome to Belgium, where we nurture a blatant disregard for health and safety. This reminds me how I was assaulted by the Paul & Joe assistant. God, she was pushy. I asked her for something bright and she gave me this thing that was pastel orange. I’m pretty sure I had to back away from her slowly.

E: Where was this? Was this during the extended dream sequence that was your life last year?

M: She had dead eyes. Like a SHARK.

E: See, I really like some of their stuff.

M: Oh? But it’s so flimsy and plasticky!

E: Mainly the makeup bags. I have a great P&J one.

M: I don’t understand your fascination with makeup bags. It’s a bag. You put makeup in it. It gets dirty. The end.

E: But it’s not dirty on the outside. And it might have a pretty pattern!

M: zzzzzzzzzzzz

E: Ok fine, forget I said anything. But mine had swallows or some such shit on. It was GOOD.

M: I am googling Paul and Joe makeup bag. AHEM

VRAIMENT? VRAIMENT???

E: NO NO NO NO. I am going to have to take a pic of it, aren’t I? To PROVE to you that it was not a kitten-topia.

M: I’m going to send you some hello kitty cosmetics, because you’re obviously in denial.

E: It is yellow. with blue birds. They do not have cute faces. They are not in a basket.

M: By birds, do you mean “pussy cats”?

E: No. Big, macho birds with CLAWS. (ok, maybe not claws)

M: Right. Eagles, then.

E: Yeah (no).

M: I am googling “eagle make up bag”. HA:

It’s like the frog purse all over again.

E: HA. Yeah, see, that’s a proper make up bag. It says “mess with my make up, bitch, and I will fuck you up. With my talons”.

M: This is pretty good as well:

E: Ha. I DARE you to touch that gloss.

M: Oh look! You can get a round one too.

“Makeup bag of eurasian eagle owl”. A must have for 2012.

E: Yes. It’s on my wishlist. Anyway, mine was even butcher. I think it had laser eyes.

M: You mean like THIS?

E: “Mascara?” you won’t be needing that with NO EYES”

M: It’s genius. From kittens to bald eagles.

E: It’s the circle of life, in makeup bags. That eagle would take the paul & joe cats in top hats, eviscerate them and line his nest with the shredded hats.

M: And little kitty faces.

E: So soft. So. Despite my love of my kitten, sorry, raptor make up bag, can we consign Paul & Joe to the Facegoop dustbin?

M: I think so, E.