Face Goop

Muji UV Protect Milk

M: Sunscreen. It’s crap, innit.

E: Are you having a laugh? How the fuck would I know. I went to Le Touquet for my summer holidays

M: Le Touquet. That sounds tropical. Like a toucan.

E: When in fact, it’s a drizzly northern beach resort made of wind-beaten concrete and despair. It literally rained every second we were there. I thought my children would dissolve. I quite wished they would, actually. I was told French Children Don’t Throw Food, but actually, that’s only because they are busy throwing each other down concrete stairs.

M: Mmmmmmm. That sounds actually properly lovely. Not the children, the rain. I could do with a bit of drizzly miserable weather goodness.

E: Yeah, all that sun and sand and hammocks and so on must be awful. Whatever floats your boat, punk. ANYWAY.

M: Yes, ANYWAY. Sunscreen. It’s either like mime makeup, or exceedingly expensive. And I need it, because it is fucking hot here. And sunny. And sweaty. Which as you can imagine, does wonders for your skin. I’m uncomfortably aware of the necessity to protect my face lest it burn right off.

E: Angry monkey face has nothing on ‘Cambodian Sunburn Face’. And what are you using to protect your angry monkey, sorry, soft, delicate skin?

M: Muji UV Protect Milk. It doesn’t know grammar, but it’s good.

E: It has no time for grammar, it’s too busy protecting milk

M: It seems to also be called “UV Milk lotion sensitiv skin”. Apparently, it’s not very good at spelling either.

E: Hmmm. I hope it’s good at sun protection, because it sucks at most other stuff. I mean, can it make a decent cup of tea?

M: Difficult to tell, E. I would love to tell you all about its mysterious, highly scientific Japanese properties, but unfortunately the packaging is in Japanese so I don’t know what it really says. Probably something like “yesterday we meadow picnic oh how happy the sun shine!”

E: And what SPFs does this magic kawaii sun cream have, M?

M: It says SPF 27 PA++, which I think is Japanese for “Provides excellent protection against UVA and UVB rays, a main cause of skin ageing”

E: You speak fluent Muji, M. I am impressed. Does it say “sits on your skin like mime make up”? or “greasy as KFC?”

M: Honestly, it’s more like a moisturiser. It sinks in nicely, no mime mask, and my skin feels hydrated but not french fry greasy. It’s a total win.

E: And being Muji, presumably it’s as cheap as rice?

M: It’s about £10.

E: Bargain. Now I just need to locate the sun.

M: Good luck with that.

Muji UV Protect Milk, SGD 19.90.