Dove whitening deodorant review

M: I need to tell you about my armpits. Again.

E: Lucky me. I suppose it’s better than your bowels. Is this punishment for the perfume talk? It is, isn’t it.

M: My pits. They are problematic.

E: I’m not surprised. I keep hearing how armpits are the new focus of body SHAME.

M: I can believe it.

E: You can? I don’t get it. I cannot fathom it at all. If mine disappeared entirely I wouldn’t notice. Well, I suppose I would if my arms dropped off.

M: Shut up about your armpits, we are talking about MY armpits. First of all, I have, how shall I say, more armpit than strictly necessary. Fat Armpit Syndrome. FAS. So, they are a bit lumpy. Which means it’s a bit difficult to, errr, shave.

E: Right. Got it.

M: They are also prone to ingrown hairs.

E: Ok. More Goop oversharing, right here.

M: So, if you could imagine, plump unevenly hairy pits with little lumps. That’s the situation right here. And here. *Points at armpit*

E: Ok. I’m conjuring it up. I’m not saying I’m loving it, but I’m doing my best to conjure it up.

M: But on top of that! They are also grey. I do not know why.

E: The skin, or the hairs??

M: The skin.

E: Whoa. That’s fucked up, M.

M: I know. I can scrub and exfoliate until my fingers bleed, but they remain grey. Why are my pits grey, E? WHY?

E: A complication of FAS? Or elephant poisoning. Is there any cure?

M: Yes, there is DOVE. Dove whitening “original” deodorant. I don’t know what’s original about it.

E: Whitening? As in SKIN whitening? Armpit whitening?

M: Yes, you know how in Asia everything is whitening this and whitening that.

E: I can’t cope with beauty these days. In my day, it was all fields round here.

M: Fields?

E: Yes. beauty fields. Golden, ripe, waving fields of Nars pencils and Chanel lipsticks.

M: Don’t worry E. It doesn’t really MEAN whitening. Just sort of softens excess pigmentation or something. Also, it claims to “restore underarm’s natural skintone”. What is, I ask you, underarm’s natural skintone?

E: Erm. Something other than grey, hopefully?

M: Indeed. Though yours must be cadaver blue, I suspect.

E: Let me check. I have “never look at underarm” syndrome. NLUS. Yup. Blueish. Like a supermarket chicken thigh.

M: This would sort you right out. I now have perfectly normal underarm colour. Just as nature intended. The end.

E: WHOA. That’s witchcraft. How does it work? What does it do? How many goats did you have to sacrifice?

M: I don’t know. The grey is gone, that’s all I know. Let’s check the hilarious teeny tiny copy on the back label

“now you can get softer, smoother, and lighter underarm skin in just 2 weeks”

“it’s the only deodorant with 1/4 moisturising cream proven to lighten darkened underarm skin caused by underarm hair removal”

M: WHAT THE… Now we know why your pits aren’t grey.

E: No HAIR.

M: You have NO HAIR!

E: Hmmm. Do you think if I painted it over my whole body I would no longer be Anglo-Scottish blue-grey though?

M: You’d need a hell of a lot of deodorant for that. So there you have it: Dove Whitening Original. Actually does what it says. It’s just a shame I don’t really use deodorant anymore, what with the constantly being covered in head to toe sweat.

E: It’s what humanity has been waiting for, right enough.

M: I have Narta-style pits. Remember the Narta ads?

E: Oh yes. Does that stuff still exist?

M: Don’t know. NARTA! clap clap

E: You’re just flaunting your armpits now. Put them away.

M: Don’t you want to do a happy armpit dance with me?

E: Does it look like I want to do a happy armpit dance with you? I just want to lie here with my face on this keyboard until you stop talking about deodorant.

M: Sounds like you’re in the pits. He he he.

Dove Whitening deodorant. Apparently not available in the UK. Sorry, you grey-pitted freaks.

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M likes bright powders in tiny pots and anything that will make her hair more Jen Brill and less Shaun the Sheep.

9 Comments

  • January 27, 2012

    JJ

    Not available in the UK, disaster! I was happy and comforted to know I am not alone until that sentence.

    I blame the industrial strength chemicals I use. Has anyone tried botox? No sweating and fewer underarm wrinkles?

  • January 27, 2012

    JJ

    It would be fewer underarm wrinkles, wouldn’t it. Can you edit my comment? PLEASE? I have had a not so good morning already and this will tip me over the edge.

  • January 27, 2012

    E

    Poor JJ. I don’t know how to, but hopefully M will sort you out. I am contemplating botox for my tooth grinding problem. I say “contemplating”, I mean ‘being cross I cannot afford’ really.

  • January 27, 2012

    Musing on Beauty

    OMG WE NEED THIS!!!!
    (not)

  • January 28, 2012

    Joi

    I also have NLUS, so can’t tell whether I might need this. (I could check now, but that would mean, like, taking off my top and walking to a mirror, which OMG superhuman effort) Also it’s not like anyone would ever see them if they were grey. This year’s Christmas overindulgences seem to have exclusively taken residence in my upperarms, so currently Sleeves Are Friends.

  • January 30, 2012

    Blighty

    Love that super hyper Narta chick -has she been sniffing her Nartarised pits?

  • May 29, 2012

    am

    Hi my chin have rough hair, daily i have to use electronic shaver, doing this daily my chin skin became dark. it makes me irritate because from near any one absorb it can be seen, is their any remedy to my problem please suggest me

  • December 29, 2012

    Sweety

    I tried, but developed a rough skin immediatly. Also skin felt very dry, hence I discontinued.

    I found out of Scion Whitening Deodorant (http://houseofscionph.blogspot.com) and it works waaaay better!

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