E: M, I desperately need your help. See, I have sneaked off and bought the nail varnish of my dreams which is the pretty, berry, Chanel April. I have waited. Lusted. Saved. And now I have it.
M: Good. HURRAH! Put some on, quick.
E: Yeah, see. There is a problem. And not just with HSBC. The problem is my nails. Are. FUCKED. The winter has killed them. They are split, cracked, weak and generally shit.
M: How fucked are we talking about here? Fucked as in ‘had a quick fumble on the sofa’?
E: No. Fucked like .. oh god. Don’t make me use pornographic analogies M, I’m waaaay too british for that. Fucked like … my garden after Satan has been for his morning stroll.
M: I see. Are your fingers aye-aye esque, E?
E: Worse, M. I can’t even use them to find grubs.
E: WHAT TO DO? Do you have any thoughts?
M: Yes, but you’re not going to like it, E.
E: Uh oh.
M: Yes. You know what’s coming. You need to…
M: … EAT HEALTHILY
E: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Please no.
M¨: Yes. Leafy green vegetables, shit with vitamin in it, calcium, that sort of thing.
E: Ok, I have an idea. How about I take those tablet things, what are they called? You know, the expensive skin ones that I bought and never used? Not Immodium. Something similar.
M¨: Imaaifhodiufaoidusiud. Beautiful skin, in a tablet.
E: Yeah, those.
M: I had some too.
E: Any good?
M: I lost them somewhere between Jakarta and Siem Reap. So WHO KNOWS.
E: I think mine are in my bedside table, but they might be expired shark cartilage.
M: Delicious, delicious shark cartilage. There’s another fabulous thing I want to recommend.
E: Oooh tell me. It better not be motherfucking rainbow chard, M.
M: Nope, no chard. It’s Sally Hansen Diamond Strength Instant Nail Hardener. It’s like coating your nails in ground up unicorn horn.
E: Oh, excellent. A product based solution: always the best.
M: That shit. Does not chip. And it turns your mails into fingerclaws. In a good way.
E: COOL. I long for claws.
Step 1: eat healthily
M: Step 2: switch to a gentle nail polish remover and the toughness of diamonds
E: Meh, ok, I suppose.
M: Step 3: feed them oil. Rosehip maybe? I clearly don’t know what I’m talking about.
E: Yeah, there must be some other unguent I can use. We should ask the Goopists. They might know. Please Goopists, is there anything you can save me from healthy eating and – sign of the cross – WATER? Help! I promise to try out and report back on whatever you recommend.