This is not a coupon

M: So, E, you know how much I love a good voucher deal.

E: Do you? This is news to me. Are you a coupon snipper?

M: No, E. You are totally out of date. This is not like that at ALL. During my year in Singapore, I was practically addicted to them.

E: I see. Tell me more.

M: Thanks to vouchers, I have done the following:

Eaten pork buns

Fed a manatee

Had my hair rebonded

Had a pedicure in an electric massage chair


E: OH MY GOD (except I do not know what “rebounded” means). This is amazing! Induct me into the church of coupons!

M: More about rebonding another time. When Groupon got in touch to see if we wanted to review their deals, I said “WELL DUH”

E: DUH. You were politer than that, yes?

M: Not really. Anyway, they gave me £30 to spend on something.

E: And what did you pick?

M: I have to say this first of all, E. Groupon UK is nowhere near as hilarious as in Singapore. Where are my sheep placenta pills? Why am I not being offered an afternoon of prawning?

E: What the fuck is prawning? Is it sexual? It sounds sexual.

M: It is not sexual. It is fishing for prawns. No, it is all very sensible, desirable things, like massages, facials, affordable hair cuts and what not.

E: Well, ok, so Groupon UK isn’t quite so exciting, but it might be useful, so tell me, what did you pick.

M: I went for an “exfoliating massage” and Decleor facial. For which I paid an extra £9, so £39 in total for an hour and a half treatment.

E: Reasonable.

M: I had to wait 3 weeks for this, because I am clearly not the only Londoner who is suffering from massage withdrawal syndrome. It has been months, E, MONTHS since I was last wrapped in banana leaves.

E: Hmph. My cold, black capybara heart bleeds.

M: I should think so. So I turned up at this very non descript salon in Marylebone.

E: Meh. What was it like inside?

M: He he he. It was like a portal into Moscow. Everyone in there was Russian.

E: Ace. You stumbled upon a rare OLIGARCH’S NEST.

M: YES. The only other customer there was peroxide blonde with a large, shiny new Louis Vuitton bag. It was quite awesome.

Also: the TV showed “in the night garden”

E: AHAHHAHAHAHHA WHAT THE FUCK. Makka Pakka, come exfoliate me with your sponge.

M: There were so many questions racing through my head at the time. Like: what the fuck and: are they going to steal my kidneys.

E: Valid questions, both.

M: Especially when I was led into the basement, down a tiny, winding staircase

E: To the kidney extraction lab?

M: It certainly looked like it. But I need not have worried, E. It was AWESOME. My therapist was lovely. I ended up asking for no exfoliation, just a massage, which was very good. She would massage some bits, do parts of the facial, massage other bits.



E: Because most massages are shit, sadly.

M: Pfff. you know nothing. I almost fell asleep. This is quite an achievement for me.

E: Well, maybe I’m just unlucky, but I’ve had a lot of stroking. Stroking, and half-hearted patting. Do not stroke me! PUMMEL.

M: The facial massage was particularly good. There was tapping, lifting, kneading, all sorts of things. I wished it would never end. And afterwards my skin was plump and glowing, as it is supposed to be.

E: Well, that sounds excellent. I mean, it’s not prawn fishing, but hey.

M: Yeah. The morale of the story, E: take a chance with Groupon. It will undoubtedly be funny, and it may also be good.

E: I will start cutting coupons RIGHT NOW.

M: Groupons, E. Groupons.

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M likes bright powders in tiny pots and anything that will make her hair more Jen Brill and less Shaun the Sheep.


  • May 25, 2012


    Hahaha!!! I thought I was going to have a small accident when I saw the salon. Interesting choice of TV viewing for customers. I’m assuming you checked for incision marks as you made your exit? Massages so good that you fall asleep (saves on the anesthetic) sound like a really good strategy for kidney stealing…

  • May 25, 2012


    A friend of mine went on a Groupon Coupon adventure last night. Dinner for two on…wait for it…a bus! (it toured around Paris while they ate), I don’t know how it turned out but frankly I felt no envy. All I can say is I hope some champagne was thrown into the deal.

  • May 29, 2012


    I’ve tried twice to have Groupon give me beauty on the cheap but sadly the salons closed down before my appointment both times! No more Grouponing for me.

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