Estee Lauder Insatiable varnish review
E: Things have been pretty ropey, beauty wise round at the Facegoop Beauty HQ.
M: I blame winter.
E: Yup, winter, you merciless, never-ending bastard. I have an eye infection. I look like my face has been savaged by hungry vultures. I have gone through twice my bodyweight in Laura Mercier mineral powder in three months. My beauty routine is now reduced to slapping whale grease on my chest twice daily, whilst weeping.
M: Tell me about it. My skin is scaly. My split ends epic.
E: My split NAILS are epic.
M: We are basically harpies. Harridans. HORRORS.
E: Gorgons. We scare off sailors at night. However. There is one tiny bright spot on the beauty horizon.
M: Is there? I can’t see anything, for it is half past two in the afternoon and already twilight.
E: Look closer. There is a tiny, purply grey spot of hope.
M: A purply grey spot does not sound promising, E. I have plenty of those, and I do not feel beautiful, let me tell you.
E: It’s ok, this purply grey bright spot is on my nails, for M, I have not only bought a nail polish I love, I have managed to apply it. SEVERAL TIMES. Look!
M: Nice. What is that you are holding on to? A glass of wine?
E: Possibly. Do you wish to make something of it?
M: No, no, I do not judge. I wholly approve of these new fingerclaws. It’s a nice colour. It suits you. It makes your breton top look effortlessly chic.
E: Thank you. “Effortlessly chic” = words never, ever associated with me, ever, not even by close relatives or men trying to get into my pants. That is how good this polish is. It is delicious. Its is Estée Lauder’s “Insatiable”. I don’t suppose she meant “insatiable for wine”, did she?
M: Would you describe yourself as insatiable, E?
E: No. Give me a bar of Milka TUC and some cheap red wine and I am easily satiated.
M: And is lavender grey your spirit animal colour of choice?
E: It might be. It is a nice colour. But being a nice colour only gets you so far. There are many nice colours in the world. The fantastic thing about this one is that it STAYS ON. IT DOES NOT CHIP. Seriously. I can usually worry my varnish off in under an hour. This lasted, like, five whole DAYS.
M: Is it easy to put on? Is it gloopy? annoyingly thin?
E: Like Our goopalike, Gwynnie? No. It’s almost perfect and I do not use that word lightly. It goes on smoothly, ungloopily, in the appropriate quantities leaving a nice smooth finish.
M: Whoa. I need to get me some of that stuff. Granny Lauder, she sure does know a thing or two about beauty.
E: One major reservation though. The brush has fallen out of the lid. I am having to shove it back up there on each application.
M: Errrrr. So by “perfect”, you meant “shit”.
E: No, despite this design flaw, I would quite literally go out to an actual shop AGAIN to buy another of these (it is a limited edition). That is how good the polish is. Also, it makes me want to investigate Granny Lauder’s varnishes more thoroughly.
M: Me too. Ha! E, did you know the Estée Lauder Spring 2013 Nail Varnish collection is called .. wait for it… ”HEAVY PETAL”
E: Oh dear.