M: E, I’m confused. Since getting a full time job, I’ve become one of those people who sprays Caudalie at her desk.
E: Ha! The Eau de Beauté? That stuff tingles.
M: Hmph. It doesn’t really do it for me, apart from the nice smell.
E: Isn’t it supposed to turn you into a Hungarian Empress? Or Queen?
M: If life were a Disney film, perhaps.
E: What is the point of facial sprays anyway apart from a pleasant distraction in the working day? My mother in law buys me two a year, so it would be good to know.
M: It is supposed to ‘smooth away fine lines, tighten pores and give the complexion an instant boost of radiance’.
E: See, how does that work, because if your skin was porous to a fine spray of water WHAT WOULD HAPPEN WHEN IT RAINS?
M: Well, there are suspended oils in the water, by the looks of the creepy orange tide mark inside the bottle. ‘C’est normal, c’est les huiles essentielles’, said the french pharmacist.
E: That is the French answer to everything. ‘Your capybaras have escaped!’ ‘C’est normal’.
M: She may or may not have actually been a pharmacist. Perhaps she just wandered in from the street. I mean, she wasn’t even wearing a lab coat. What do you do with your 34 facial sprays?
E: I put them in my handbag and spray them on my face when it’s really hot, so: three days a year.
M: Here’s a warning for you: don’t spray this stuff in your eyes.
E: No, indeed. Stings.
M: Red-eyed mole is not a good look.
E: Less Hungarian queen, more World of Warcraft addict.
M: Anyway, this just leaves a weird sheeny film on me. It may have a sort of temporary plumping effect. Is that how hungarian empresses looked? Plump and shiny?
E: Like seals? Possibly. Have you tried the other Caudalie spray? Eau de raisin?
M: There are two? No.
E: Yeah. No oils in that one. It smells… musty.
M: Like the lesser, uglier little sister of fairy tales.
E: I have also used those big ones you get in French pharmacies that are just a bottle of water and frankly, a spray bottle from Robert Dyas and some tap would do the same job. I mean, if a fine mist of water on one’s face is good for the skin, we should both just move to Scotland.
M: You forget about the winds, E. Ruddy red cheeks. That’s the look we’re all going for.
E: That’s the buckfast.
M: So, eau de beauté just leaves me confused. Sweet smelling, possibly a bit more spritely, but CONFUSED.
E: Whatever you do, don’t leave a comment on the Caudalie website to that effect. They categorise you by age and skin type. “Aida Mustapha, 25-34, Oily” says a review of the Eau de Beauté.
M: “Madevi Dailly, 25-34, bemused”.
E: “Emma, 35-45, desiccated”.
Do you use facial sprays? What on earth for?
Caudalie Beauty Elixir, £32.00