M: Maybe we need to set the scene for this post, E.
E: “It was a dark and stormy night ..” no, hang on, it was an overcast London morning.
M: Every couple of months, readers, E and I do a Facegoop handover at an unnamed, unmarked Overground station.
E: This is actual truth. It’s like a Cold War spy exchange. But with mascara.
M: I emerge from an overcrowded train, clutching weeks’ worth of samples and unguents.
E: I am standing on the platform in an Inspector Gadget style raincoat, brandishing some kind of chocolate. Or, if you’re very lucky, Hermès scent.
M: This time, E, you must know I strongly considered not doing this handover.
“The 8.25 to Richmond is delayed,” I started to type.
“Sorry, not going to make it.”
I also considered an elaborate story about foxes eating the product.
Or substituting it with a tube of Colgate.
E: I didn’t realise how close I came to losing out on the Cleanser of Love. Thank god I had Pierre Marcolini spread to lure you. You really love this new REN Rose hot cloth cleanser, don’t you? You love it with actual love.
M: Yes, E. Yes I do. Actual real love. The love of rose-scented childhoods.
E: Your childhood smelled of roses? Mine was more .. hamsters. But continue.
M: Yes! I had a little perfumed flower-fairy doll that smelled exactly like this.
E: It does smell absolutely delicious. Like some delicious macaron Pierre Hermé might cook up.
M: It’s certainly very creamy.
E: I’ve got so used to balms the creaminess came as a surprise. It’s a soft, non-greasy cream and it comes with a dinky flannel to gently buff it off again.
M: I think it’s a testament to this stuff, E, that I currently have about seven pots of balm cleanser on the go in the bathroom. And this is the only one I want to use.
E: I can see why. It’s rich but gentle and ultra-effective. I am oppressed by beauty advice at the moment, however much cleansing and moisturising I do (admittedly not much) it never feels like enough. But this stuff makes me feel good. JUST GOOD, OK?
M: What more can you ask for? Good smell, lovely texture, excellent cleansing powers. YOU WIN, REN. YOU WIN. I SURRENDER. I WILL BUY YOUR CLEANSER OF JOY WITH MY OWN HARD-EARNED PENNIES.
E: REN Rose Centifolia Hot Cloth Cleanser: can be obtained for £16, a jar of Pierre Marcolini chocolate tartine spread, or Kim Philby.
We tested eight of the best balm cleansers for the Guardian. Do you have a favourite?