M is 32 and franco-cambodian. She has two eyes, most of her teeth and more hair than she knows what to do with. She also has “Kapok bark skin” according to her her relatives. M’s dream product would give her a flawless complexion and a deep tissue massage in one fell swoop. Failing this, she likes bright powders in tiny pots, and anything that will make her hair more Jen Brill and less Shaun the Sheep. Ideally, she’d like space lizards to come and steal her leg hair. She somehow manages to make a living from writing in London and is @madevi on twitter.

E is 37 and anglo-scottish. You may know her as Belgian Waffle. She has bluey white Celtic skin tone, green eyes, a handful of crows feet (she keeps them in her handbag to take out on the bus and scare small children), and a bad attitude towards hydration. She has no eyelashes so don’t expect any mascara reviews from her. E’s dream product would suck out her double chin and lengthen her legs by 5 inches. Failing this, she likes cellulite creams that tingle, implausible scientific claims, and anything that saves you time. Ideally, she’d like pixies to come and brush her teeth as she sleeps to save time.
She is @belgianwaffling on Twitter.

Together, M and E talk shit about beauty products and cackle a lot. Sometimes they lapse into French. Deal with it.


The reviews on Facegoop are intended to be a humorous look at cosmetics and beauty products. We exaggerate and talk a lot of crap, but basically, if we like something, we say so, if we don’t, we say so too. Remember, people and their skin vary, so what works for us might leave you cold. We don’t get paid to do reviews, but we really wish we did.

We do not really think that Giorgio Armani is a space lizard, that Estee Lauder are DNA superthieves, or that Elizabeth Arden is someone’s mad, incontinent grandmother. Those bits are jokes. Just don’t let anyone on an Estee Lauder counter come near you with a cotton bud.

We occasionally use affiliate links to products we review. This means that if you go on to buy a product from these companies, we get a small commission. With your support, in a year or two we may be able to afford a couple of stamps, or maybe a nice bumper pack of cotton buds.

Thank you.