M: So, E.
E: What is it now, M?
M: You know I have, how can I put this, problems. With hair.
E: Pfff, . I have a balding WIG. That’s a real hair problem. But continue.
M: It’s all over the place. On my head. On my chin.
E: Head: good. Chin: not so much.
M: OTHER PLACES TOO.
E: I see. I get the picture. Unfortunately.
M: And my eyebrows. They are bushy on the inside, sparse on the outside. What’s up with that, eyebrows?
E: Awkward buggers, eyebrows. So easy to get wrong. That’s why I have mine tattooed on by an expert.
M: I have lots of tweezers. They fall into the following categories:
E: Ahahahahhaah it’s the seven tweezer dwarves. Well, the five tweezer dwarves.
M: When I had money, many many moons ago, I had a subscription at Browhaus. Those were the days, E.
E: Ah, yes, the days of milk and honey and GROOMING.
M: I’d pay someone to deal with my eyebrows. I’d recline in a cloud of talcum powder and wait for them to do their magic.But those days are long gone.
E: Gone, in a puff of HMRC smoke and global financial meltdown. Sucked into Gideon’s black hole.
M: I have to do my eyebrows on my own now, E, which is basically like someone taking your baby pet unicorn away.
E: That’s so harsh. Unimaginably cruel.
M: I know. It’s a good thing you sent me these Shavata tweezers, eh?
E: I did! Lovely Shavata sent me them and I had nothing to tweeze!
M: SHAVATA. Say it with me: SHHHAAAAVAAATAAAA.
E: SHAVATA. It is a nice word. Is she a person? Yes! Yes she is! I have found a picture!
M: I am pretty sure that Shavata used to be a skilled cardiac surgeon in another life, because these things are SHARP. They are “precision tweezers”, look:
E: Christ! You could extract a spleen with that.
M: You could pick out cactus spines with these, that’s how sharp they are. You could, in fact, extract a cactus spleen.
E: I bet you could also get a credit card out from between narrow floorboards with them. Not that I can imagine anyone would ever need that, ahem.
M: No. Or indeed, be silly enough to let that happen in the first place.
E: So. They are super pointy. But are they actually effective?
M: Yes. And that’s basically it. They are very effective. So effective in fact, that sometimes they snap the hair in half before you’ve had a chance to pull it out which is a bit annoying, but otherwise, yes. Very effective. Good tweezeing action. Deadly surgical precision.
E: Well, I suppose that’s as good as it gets until you can pay eunuchs to caress your brows off.
M: Mmmm, eunuchs. So high five, Shavata, whoever you are. Thanks to you, I do not look like Frida Kahlo.
Shavata Precision Tweezers, £19.50