Face Goop

Posts Tagged ‘nails’

Fingerclaws

E: M, I desperately need your help. See, I have sneaked off and bought the nail varnish of my dreams which is the pretty, berry, Chanel April. I have waited. Lusted. Saved. And now I have it.

M: Good. HURRAH! Put some on, quick.

E: Yeah, see. There is a problem. And not just with HSBC. The problem is my nails. Are. FUCKED. The winter has killed them. They are split, cracked, weak and generally shit.

M: How fucked are we talking about here? Fucked as in ‘had a quick fumble on the sofa’?

E: No. Fucked like .. oh god. Don’t make me use pornographic analogies M, I’m waaaay too british for that. Fucked like … my garden after Satan has been for his morning stroll.

M: I see. Are your fingers aye-aye esque, E?

E: Worse, M. I can’t even use them to find grubs.

E: WHAT TO DO? Do you have any thoughts?

M: Yes, but you’re not going to like it, E.

E: Uh oh.

M: Yes. You know what’s coming. You need to…

E: NOOOOO

M: … EAT HEALTHILY

E: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Please no.

M¨: Yes. Leafy green vegetables, shit with vitamin in it, calcium, that sort of thing.

E: Ok, I have an idea. How about I take those tablet things, what are they called? You know, the expensive skin ones that I bought and never used? Not Immodium. Something similar.

M¨: Imaaifhodiufaoidusiud. Beautiful skin, in a tablet.

E: Yeah, those.

M: I had some too.

E: Any good?

M: I lost them somewhere between Jakarta and Siem Reap. So WHO KNOWS.

E: I think mine are in my bedside table, but they might be expired shark cartilage.

M: Delicious, delicious shark cartilage. There’s another fabulous thing I want to recommend.

E: Oooh tell me. It better not be motherfucking rainbow chard, M.

M: Nope, no chard. It’s Sally Hansen Diamond Strength Instant Nail Hardener. It’s like coating your nails in ground up unicorn horn.

E: Oh, excellent. A product based solution: always the best.

M: That shit. Does not chip. And it turns your mails into fingerclaws. In a good way.

E: COOL. I long for claws.

M: So.

Step 1: eat healthily

E: BOOOO.

M: Step 2: switch to a gentle nail polish remover and the toughness of diamonds

E: Meh, ok, I suppose.

M: Step 3: feed them oil. Rosehip maybe? I clearly don’t know what I’m talking about.

E: Yeah, there must be some other unguent I can use. We should ask the Goopists. They might know. Please Goopists, is there anything you can save me from healthy eating and – sign of the cross – WATER? Help! I promise to try out and report back on whatever you recommend.

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Elf Punk Purple Polish review

M: So, we are now a real beauty blog.

E: We are? Sorry, we are. Yes.

M: We have been sent Free Stuff to review.

E: I KNOW. It’s easily the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me! Well. Maybe second after Mexican Wrestling.

M: Calm down. Remember, we have only been sent Cheap Stuff. Namely, a bag of ELF. Which is not to be confused with a bag of Elves.

E: That would be really horrible.

M: Annoyingly cheerful.

E: Squeaky. Neat.

M: And efficient. Basically everything we stand against here at Facegoop.

E: Yup. So thank goodness we didn’t get any of those. Instead we have a leatherette pochette of various cheap and cheerful products.

M: Including a bottle of purply nail polish called Purple Punk.

E: Ha. Punk. What do you reckon to the nail polish M?

M: It’s free from all sorts of things -Toluene, Formaldehyde, and Dibutyl Phthalate, which I think is supposed to be a good thing.

E: So what does it have in? Elf breath?

M: Squashed punks, obvs.

E: Oh yeah, squashed punks. I’m surprised squashed punks come out a such a pretty colour. I would have thought they would be grey, what with the black PVC and the pasty skin. What did you actually think of it?

M: I think you are confusing punks with S&M fetishists. Well, I actually really liked it. It’s pretty easy to apply, and the shade is good. I don’t have anything like it, and you could wear it in summer and winter.

E: Yes, I probably wouldn’t have bought it, but now I have it, I would totally wear it. It’s not very purple, is it?

M: No, I suppose not. It’s pinky purple.

E: Fuschia. The colour of, erm, anarchy.

M: The problem is it takes forever to dry.

E: Dammit, woman, now you tell me. I’ve just put some on my little fingernail!

M: I left it for at least 2 hours, and still got hair marks all over it during the night. Look:

E: So I’m stuck, you’re telling me? I can’t move all evening?

M: Yup. You can’t do anything with your pinky. From now until breakfast. No scratching your ear hole. No tickling your nose.

E: I will just have to hold it aloft and admire its pinky purpleness.

M: Shame you didn’t put it on your middle finger.

E: So: Elf Punk Purple. Nice with one of those quick drying topcoat things. Crap if you don’t have any and you’re in a hurry.

M: Crap if you’re crap, basically.

E: Which we are. Fatal flaw.

M: Sigh.

E: Sigh.

Elf Punk Purple nail polish, £1.50

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Barry M Bright Red Nail Paint

E: Nice nails, M.

M: They’re Barry M’s finest. Nail photos are stupid. I feel like a dork. Ooooh check me out clutching a tiny bottle.

E: You strike a good nail pose, I think. Dainty and stylish.

M: It’s not a fucking pearl. Your hand = not a fucking oyster. There is no good way to do this, is there.

E: Nope. Actually, you are so good at the hand moddlepose, that I would like to see you in alternative nail poses:

1. Stroking a pony. Or possibly an emu.

2. Doing Claude François style tiger claws.

3. Maybe raking your hands through something. Gravel.

M: Mmm, sensual gravel. But that would require me doing my nails again. Because this is chipping, after a couple of days. I blame the scourer.

E: Fie, Barry M. Fie, scourer. Nah, you could do the pictures with chipped varnish. It would be like a photoshoot for a hipster magazine.

M: Have you seen me? I am not a hipster.

E: Yes, but M, you can’t TELL that from your hands. Not when they are raking through gravel.

M: When I have smudged eyeliner, I look like a smelly racoon, not a rock star.

E: You are fiercer than the fiercest of hipsters. You could kick their scrawny asses all the way to Hoxton and back.

M: What is Hoxton?

E: A place in London full of scrawny twerps with ironic hair. They’re a nice bright colour, your nails. Shame you aren’t stroking a balding ostrich or squidging cooked spaghetti through your fingers, but hey.

M Yes. I do like it, and it’s cheap as chips.

E: So it’s cheap as chips but it chips?

M: Oh dear.

E: Sorry.

M: Slight problem is it makes me want to lick my nails. Because they look edible.

E: What kind of food do they look like?

M: I don’t know. Er, Rubies. Rubies are a food group, aren’t they?

E: Probably. You’re half French. You freaks eat anything.

M: Cherries. The blood of a suckling pig.

E: Those sweets that looked like lips and tasted of soap.

M: I refuse to eat those. What kind of a crazy fuck eats sugar lips?

E: They’re nicer than snail gel. So: Barry M nail polish. Cheap as chips and unsuitable for doing the dishes in.

Barry M Nail Paint in bright red, £2.95

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