Posts Tagged ‘nails’
E: Things have been pretty ropey, beauty wise round at the Facegoop Beauty HQ.
M: I blame winter.
E: Yup, winter, you merciless, never-ending bastard. I have an eye infection. I look like my face has been savaged by hungry vultures. I have gone through twice my bodyweight in Laura Mercier mineral powder in three months. My beauty routine is now reduced to slapping whale grease on my chest twice daily, whilst weeping.
M: Tell me about it. My skin is scaly. My split ends epic.
E: My split NAILS are epic.
M: We are basically harpies. Harridans. HORRORS.
E: Gorgons. We scare off sailors at night. However. There is one tiny bright spot on the beauty horizon.
M: Is there? I can’t see anything, for it is half past two in the afternoon and already twilight.
E: Look closer. There is a tiny, purply grey spot of hope.
M: A purply grey spot does not sound promising, E. I have plenty of those, and I do not feel beautiful, let me tell you.
E: It’s ok, this purply grey bright spot is on my nails, for M, I have not only bought a nail polish I love, I have managed to apply it. SEVERAL TIMES. Look!
M: Nice. What is that you are holding on to? A glass of wine?
E: Possibly. Do you wish to make something of it?
M: No, no, I do not judge. I wholly approve of these new fingerclaws. It’s a nice colour. It suits you. It makes your breton top look effortlessly chic.
E: Thank you. “Effortlessly chic” = words never, ever associated with me, ever, not even by close relatives or men trying to get into my pants. That is how good this polish is. It is delicious. Its is Estée Lauder’s “Insatiable”. I don’t suppose she meant “insatiable for wine”, did she?
M: Would you describe yourself as insatiable, E?
E: No. Give me a bar of Milka TUC and some cheap red wine and I am easily satiated.
M: And is lavender grey your spirit animal colour of choice?
E: It might be. It is a nice colour. But being a nice colour only gets you so far. There are many nice colours in the world. The fantastic thing about this one is that it STAYS ON. IT DOES NOT CHIP. Seriously. I can usually worry my varnish off in under an hour. This lasted, like, five whole DAYS.
M: Is it easy to put on? Is it gloopy? annoyingly thin?
E: Like Our goopalike, Gwynnie? No. It’s almost perfect and I do not use that word lightly. It goes on smoothly, ungloopily, in the appropriate quantities leaving a nice smooth finish.
M: Whoa. I need to get me some of that stuff. Granny Lauder, she sure does know a thing or two about beauty.
E: One major reservation though. The brush has fallen out of the lid. I am having to shove it back up there on each application.
M: Errrrr. So by “perfect”, you meant “shit”.
E: No, despite this design flaw, I would quite literally go out to an actual shop AGAIN to buy another of these (it is a limited edition). That is how good the polish is. Also, it makes me want to investigate Granny Lauder’s varnishes more thoroughly.
M: Me too. Ha! E, did you know the Estée Lauder Spring 2013 Nail Varnish collection is called .. wait for it… ”HEAVY PETAL”
E: Oh dear.
Estée Lauder Pure Color Nail Lacquer in Insatiable, £14.50
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E: M, I desperately need your help. See, I have sneaked off and bought the nail varnish of my dreams which is the pretty, berry, Chanel April. I have waited. Lusted. Saved. And now I have it.
M: Good. HURRAH! Put some on, quick.
E: Yeah, see. There is a problem. And not just with HSBC. The problem is my nails. Are. FUCKED. The winter has killed them. They are split, cracked, weak and generally shit.
M: How fucked are we talking about here? Fucked as in ‘had a quick fumble on the sofa’?
E: No. Fucked like .. oh god. Don’t make me use pornographic analogies M, I’m waaaay too british for that. Fucked like … my garden after Satan has been for his morning stroll.
M: I see. Are your fingers aye-aye esque, E?
E: Worse, M. I can’t even use them to find grubs.
E: WHAT TO DO? Do you have any thoughts?
M: Yes, but you’re not going to like it, E.
E: Uh oh.
M: Yes. You know what’s coming. You need to…
E: NOOOOO
M: … EAT HEALTHILY
E: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Please no.
M¨: Yes. Leafy green vegetables, shit with vitamin in it, calcium, that sort of thing.
E: Ok, I have an idea. How about I take those tablet things, what are they called? You know, the expensive skin ones that I bought and never used? Not Immodium. Something similar.
M¨: Imaaifhodiufaoidusiud. Beautiful skin, in a tablet.
E: Yeah, those.
M: I had some too.
E: Any good?
M: I lost them somewhere between Jakarta and Siem Reap. So WHO KNOWS.
E: I think mine are in my bedside table, but they might be expired shark cartilage.
M: Delicious, delicious shark cartilage. There’s another fabulous thing I want to recommend.
E: Oooh tell me. It better not be motherfucking rainbow chard, M.
M: Nope, no chard. It’s Sally Hansen Diamond Strength Instant Nail Hardener. It’s like coating your nails in ground up unicorn horn.
E: Oh, excellent. A product based solution: always the best.
M: That shit. Does not chip. And it turns your mails into fingerclaws. In a good way.
E: COOL. I long for claws.
M: So.
Step 1: eat healthily
E: BOOOO.
M: Step 2: switch to a gentle nail polish remover and the toughness of diamonds
E: Meh, ok, I suppose.
M: Step 3: feed them oil. Rosehip maybe? I clearly don’t know what I’m talking about.
E: Yeah, there must be some other unguent I can use. We should ask the Goopists. They might know. Please Goopists, is there anything you can save me from healthy eating and – sign of the cross – WATER? Help! I promise to try out and report back on whatever you recommend.
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M: So, we are now a real beauty blog.
E: We are? Sorry, we are. Yes.
M: We have been sent Free Stuff to review.
E: I KNOW. It’s easily the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me! Well. Maybe second after Mexican Wrestling.
M: Calm down. Remember, we have only been sent Cheap Stuff. Namely, a bag of ELF. Which is not to be confused with a bag of Elves.
E: That would be really horrible.
M: Annoyingly cheerful.
E: Squeaky. Neat.
M: And efficient. Basically everything we stand against here at Facegoop.
E: Yup. So thank goodness we didn’t get any of those. Instead we have a leatherette pochette of various cheap and cheerful products.
M: Including a bottle of purply nail polish called Purple Punk.
E: Ha. Punk. What do you reckon to the nail polish M?
M: It’s free from all sorts of things -Toluene, Formaldehyde, and Dibutyl Phthalate, which I think is supposed to be a good thing.
E: So what does it have in? Elf breath?
M: Squashed punks, obvs.
E: Oh yeah, squashed punks. I’m surprised squashed punks come out a such a pretty colour. I would have thought they would be grey, what with the black PVC and the pasty skin. What did you actually think of it?
M: I think you are confusing punks with S&M fetishists. Well, I actually really liked it. It’s pretty easy to apply, and the shade is good. I don’t have anything like it, and you could wear it in summer and winter.
E: Yes, I probably wouldn’t have bought it, but now I have it, I would totally wear it. It’s not very purple, is it?
M: No, I suppose not. It’s pinky purple.
E: Fuschia. The colour of, erm, anarchy.
M: The problem is it takes forever to dry.
E: Dammit, woman, now you tell me. I’ve just put some on my little fingernail!
M: I left it for at least 2 hours, and still got hair marks all over it during the night. Look:
E: So I’m stuck, you’re telling me? I can’t move all evening?
M: Yup. You can’t do anything with your pinky. From now until breakfast. No scratching your ear hole. No tickling your nose.
E: I will just have to hold it aloft and admire its pinky purpleness.
M: Shame you didn’t put it on your middle finger.
E: So: Elf Punk Purple. Nice with one of those quick drying topcoat things. Crap if you don’t have any and you’re in a hurry.
M: Crap if you’re crap, basically.
E: Which we are. Fatal flaw.
M: Sigh.
E: Sigh.
Elf Punk Purple nail polish, £1.50
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E: Nice nails, M.
M: They’re Barry M’s finest. Nail photos are stupid. I feel like a dork. Ooooh check me out clutching a tiny bottle.
E: You strike a good nail pose, I think. Dainty and stylish.
M: It’s not a fucking pearl. Your hand = not a fucking oyster. There is no good way to do this, is there.
E: Nope. Actually, you are so good at the hand moddlepose, that I would like to see you in alternative nail poses:
1. Stroking a pony. Or possibly an emu.
2. Doing Claude François style tiger claws.
3. Maybe raking your hands through something. Gravel.
M: Mmm, sensual gravel. But that would require me doing my nails again. Because this is chipping, after a couple of days. I blame the scourer.
E: Fie, Barry M. Fie, scourer. Nah, you could do the pictures with chipped varnish. It would be like a photoshoot for a hipster magazine.
M: Have you seen me? I am not a hipster.
E: Yes, but M, you can’t TELL that from your hands. Not when they are raking through gravel.
M: When I have smudged eyeliner, I look like a smelly racoon, not a rock star.
E: You are fiercer than the fiercest of hipsters. You could kick their scrawny asses all the way to Hoxton and back.
M: What is Hoxton?
E: A place in London full of scrawny twerps with ironic hair. They’re a nice bright colour, your nails. Shame you aren’t stroking a balding ostrich or squidging cooked spaghetti through your fingers, but hey.
M Yes. I do like it, and it’s cheap as chips.
E: So it’s cheap as chips but it chips?
M: Oh dear.
E: Sorry.
M: Slight problem is it makes me want to lick my nails. Because they look edible.
E: What kind of food do they look like?
M: I don’t know. Er, Rubies. Rubies are a food group, aren’t they?
E: Probably. You’re half French. You freaks eat anything.
M: Cherries. The blood of a suckling pig.
E: Those sweets that looked like lips and tasted of soap.
M: I refuse to eat those. What kind of a crazy fuck eats sugar lips?
E: They’re nicer than snail gel. So: Barry M nail polish. Cheap as chips and unsuitable for doing the dishes in.
Barry M Nail Paint in bright red, £2.95
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