E: So, M. You know I am always on the look out for any kind of bathing product that comes close to the majesty of Elemis Supersoak?
M: Ahahahhahah fat chance.
E: That ideally also trims 2 inches off my thighs?
M: Right. You are looking for a fairy godmother? In bubble bath form?
E: Yes, basically. I like a challenge. So I was in Heathrow and I saw this stuff.
“Thalgo Micronised Marine Algae”
M: Is it dead sea salts? It’s always Dead Sea salts. The Dead Sea must be a sodium free zone by now.
E: NO. This is different. It looked …. medical and magical and it had the word “minceur” on the packet, so I got it.
M: Right. Did the ingredients list “Powdered unicorn?”
E: I think it’s actually “powdered corpse of rotting cormorant”, because holy mother of pokemon this stuff STINKS. It’s like bathing in seagull sick. it’s like bathing in guano. Bathing in the decomposing corpses of seabirds.
M: Ha. I’m pretty sure “rotting cormorant” is a Pokemon. Mmm, appealing.
E: It doesn’t smell pleasantly marine, M. Also, you will see from the photos how beautiful it looks when added to water. Is it not lovely?
M: Is that a giant shit covered aniseed in the bath?
E: I believe that is a globule of micronised algae.
M: Oh, no, it’s a dragon. This is the worst bath product I have ever experienced. It’s making me hallucinate.
E: Yes. And I don’t mind a bit of bath masochism and I love a bit of hardcore thalasso freakery. But seriously? When you’re lying in two inches of watery shit, you do question your life choices.
M: It looks like something that escaped from the Lush Laboratories, the nefarious place where they do all their R&D. And when it goes wrong, what do they do? Sell it in Heathrow.
E: Yes. That is definitely what happened. WHERE DID I GO WRONG???
M: Well, you were unfaithful to the Elemis, for starters.
E: I am never going to do that again.
M: Bubble bath hath no fury like an Elemis scorned.
E: I am sorry, Elemis. Don’t make me swim in seal poo again.
M: Secondly, it’s a well known fact that the only thing one should buy in an airport is Duty Free Chanel. Anything else is a mistake you will bitterly regret.
E: Do you agree Facegoopers? What are your favorite airport buys and have you ever ended up swimming in seal poo?
E: Oh jesus THERE you are! Where the hell have you been?
M: I’m in Singapore.
E: Hmph. I am not happy about this. Come back this instant, it’s not funny.
M: No. But! An intercontinental move is an excellent excuse not to have written anything on facegoop, isn’t it?
E: Oh yeah. That’s true. Ok, fair enough. You can stay, but I want all the giant shrimp I can eat.
M: I have better than giant shrimp, E. Way, way better.
E: Oh? What could possibly be better than giant shrimp??
M: I think we both knew, when I said I’d be moving here, that there would be some amazing gooping opportunities. I mean, the Asians, right? They love themselves some crazy ass shit.
E: Hell yes. So have you been investigating?
M: Well, I’ve only been here 2 days, and i’ve already had the top of my head in an alien contraption
E: AHAHHAHHAHA. What in the name of holy fuck? You look like an old lady getting a blue rinse. Look at your pouty little face. You don’t look impressed.
M: No, I was not. One minute I was asking for a fringe trim, the next I was coughing up £50 for what? Having my hair steamed, like a particularly unappealing dim sum.
E: Ha. Hair dumpling. Was it, um, effective?
M: There was definite loss in translation. I look a bit like a badger. Speaking of animals, can I introduce you to my friends, the seal and crocodile of concealers?
I don’t know about you, E, but sometimes I wake up in the morning and think “Man. I really look like a walrus today. A grumpy walrus.”
E: Yes I often think that. More a naked mole rat in my case, but whatevs. So, are you more of a pissed off crocodile or a happy seal?
M: This is just the product for us. I’m not sure what it does, but it makes seal faces less sore. That’s got to be a good thing.
E: That seal looks smug.
M: Seals always look smug. Shiny smooth bastards.
E: Maybe the crocodile one is to make you less scaly?
M: Maybe, maybe. the thing is, E, we will never know. The packaging is mysteriously cryptic. Below the zoo of concealers, there was a very nice array of pore cleansers. A whole stack of them.
E: Are those .. BABIES??? Thousands and thousands of babies????
M: Ssssh. You can’t see the products properly, so, let me annotate:
Top left hand corner “Black head off stick”. Straight, to the point.
E: Yup. No messing around there.
M: Moving clockwise: Pore Peeling Tsururi. What the hell is a tsururi?
E: It sounds painful. I don’t like the sound of it.
M: To the right of that, the PORE VACUUMER, complete with Charlie’s Angels, with vacuums.
E: WHOA I am actually quite scared. I will commit tsururi.
M: Please don’t commit tsururi. It would make such a mess. A pore mess.
E: But Charlie’s Angels can clear it up with the vacuumer!
M: Do we need to talk about the babies?
E: YES, M. YES WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE BABIES.
M: I’m not sure we do, but OK. How do you think it works? Do the babies lick the dirty pores off your face?
E: EEEEW. Give me the vacuuming tsusuri anyday.
M: They’re selling us baby smooth skin, I believe. Probably made from the skin of actual babies.
E: Gross. What’s next???
M: Bird’s nest and rice bran. Sounds a bit like muesli, doesn’t it.
E: Yeah. I bet it’s like the nightingale poo facial thing but cheaper. Nightingale nest (contains trace elements of poo)!
M: It’s whitening. Is bird poo whitening?
E: Almost certainly. I bet it’s great for constipation too with all those twigs and bran.
M: Look, it comes with a creepy face mask too. There’s a creepy face mask icon in the top right hand corner.
E: OH GOD that’s really really frightening. Please can you wear one for us????
M: Maybe. I’m not sure I want birds anywhere near my face. Because, and I am not making this up, but today I saw two birds fighting, two small blackbirds. And one of them PECKED THE OTHER ONE TO DEATH.
E: M, I did NOT need to do that.
M: Gruesome. I’ll tell you what, though. Singapore ladies have some proper things to worry about. Look!
Do we worry about our vajayjays being too big? NO. Do we have to endure intercontinental travel to get a husband? NO. Do we worry about how much money we give our parents every month? HELLZ NO.
E: Hmm. Maybe they could steam your vajajay smaller? With that head contraption?
M: Maybe, E, maybe. Let’s find out.(and my vajayjay is plenty small, thankyouverymuch)
E: Ah, it’s good to be back.
We have a small, teeny tiny confession to make. The Important Facegoop Fact Finding Mission turned out to be more of a mission to imbibe gin, inhale lamb chops, and meet lovely new people, like this girl and this girl.
But we did learn important lessons in the Great Metropolis, which we share here for your edification and amusement.
M’s London Wisdom:
- eating out for breakfast, lunch and dinner five days in a row is not as good as it sounds. Especially if two of those meals were 100% lamb chops. My thighs are chafing. My painfully itch and inflated ankles are in a strop right now, and currently looking for new owners.
- Priori’s Skin Renewal Cream is da bomb. The harsh London water and even harsher London sleeping hours usually make me erupt in boils but I’ve woken up to calm, plump, glowing skin in the morning. Either that, or the lamb sweats have aesthetically beneficial side effects.
- Body Brushing and Weleda Cellulite Oil instantly alleviate Heavy Cankle Syndrome.
- Eye makeup remover wipes are like teeny tiny face wipes – handy for carrying in your handbag and great after you’ve disastrously rubbed tube-soot all over your face.
- Do not apply nail polish on 4 hours of sleep. Do not go to a picnic without sunscreen. Do not assume your hosts will have shampoo or shower gel.
- Sandals look like crap on blistered feet with nasty unpolished toe nails. My feet may be looking for new owners too. Anyone want them?
E’s London Wisdom
- Just because your new shoes are flat, that doesn’t mean they won’t sting like bitches. Compeed is simply not up to the job. Don’t wear new shoes if you’re walking ANYWHERE in the heat. End of.
- Body Brushing and Weleda Cellulite Oil with my current diet and lifestyle are like trying to clean up the BP oil spill with a single Tesco’s Value cotton bud. Completely inadequate, but better than nothing.
- Salted caramel is not a health food.
- Nor is white wine. Or gin.
- Nurofen Rapid Action Capsules totally are a health food. So is frozen yoghurt even though it’s probably more fattening than eating the same cubic volume of lard.
- Benefit Creaseless Cream Shadow in Strut is a gorgeous texture, and a beautiful evening colour for cadaver skinned celts.
- Two wrong eyed contact lenses don’t make a right. You might end up in the wrong south western city when you leave London is you’re not careful with your lefts and rights.
I’m finally home. My calves have the appearance and consistency of hardened swiss roll, and I am covered in a fine layer of lamb sweat, tube grime, and travel despair.
So here, in this followup to E’s travel essentials video, I show you how lack of sleep and incompetence make for crap cosmetic packing and poor results on the Facegoop Maths front.
You’ll notice I’m too tired to string more than two words together convincingly. Whatevs dudes.
Team Facegoop are in London! I don’t know why I call us Team Facegoop. It makes us sound like Team Rocket from Pokemon and that is NOT a good thing.
Anyway. M has already told me my left foot looks like her sister’s cat’s hernia, but I’m not rising to the bait. Instead we’re concentrating on bringing you Exciting New Content.
First up, this video in which I look like a shiny, sweaty lunatic and tell you about what I’ve brought along in my make up and toilet bags.
E’s Toilet Bag
Braun Professional Straighteners
Toni & Guy Iron It Heat Defence Spray
Nuxe Bio-Beauté Fruity Micellar Cleansing Foam
Skin.NY Radical Restructure Complex (“chemical warfare in a tube”)
Caudalie Anti-Ageing Face Suncare SPF 30
Chanel Dragon Nail Colour
OPI We’ll Always Have Paris Nail Lacquer
Body Shop Body Brush
Dove Invisible Dry Deodorant
Serge Lutens Sa Majesté La Rose
Weleda Birch Cellulite Oil
No hair brush, toothbrush, toothpaste
E’s Make Up Bag
Nars The Multiple, in Orgasm
Nars Lip gloss in Turkish Delight
Nars Shadow duo in Belissima
Nars Aigle Noir Soft Touch Shadow Pencil
Laura Mercier Secret Camouflage
2 identical Laura Mercier concealer brushes
Laura Mercier compact blusher brush
Laura Mercier Tinted Moisturiser
Armani Face Fabric
Armani Blush Duo
Armani Eye Shadow in Maestro
Bobbi Brown Gel Eyeliner in Espresso and Caviar
Bobbi Brown Ultra fine eyeliner brush
Coco Mademoiselle lip colour
Tom Ford Pink Dusk lip colour